It’s been a while now that my eyes have not been better and it is very hard for me to watch the computer screen as the lighting hurts my eyes and gives me migraine headaches. I was diagnosed with Uveitis a bad infection of the eyes, that should have gotten better after taking some medication but instead it turned out to be a virus that is highly contagious and I just have to let nature take its course for it to get better with help from medications. I could hardly see, my vision has gotten so bad that after this I would need new glasses. I never thought it could have gotten so bad that it hurts to cry. The pain is so severe; because it is a virus, my ear, glands, my eyeballs themselves hurt even to move it around or to bend my head to pick up something. It is like everything I took for granted with my eyes infected is affected. I had looked so ugly with swollen eyes I refuse to go out in public and because I am so contagious, hand sanitizer and Lysol disinfecting wipes are my new best friends even at home and after everything I’ve touched. This is just a mystery to why this happen, I’ve never even worn contact lens in my life that I could blame it on. I’ve had allergies before took allergy medication and all symptoms stopped. I have a great doctor. He has been seeing me on a regular basis and is just a phone call away; if I am concerned about anything to go see him.

I’d gone to the emergency the first time I got up and my eyes were extremely bloodshot and stuck together that icouldn’t open it. My sister accompanied me to the hospital because I couldn’t see and thankfully it was her day off. I dislike going to the hospitals, because I believe you have to dying before the doctors would take you seriously, especially if you are not rich or famous and medicare is free, not all doctors, but some. So I prayed to God that they at the hospital would treat me not just as rich and famous, but His child, a child of the heavenly father with honour and respect that they would give to an earthly king’s child, that’s right, roll out the red carpet and send out the best of the best doctors to represent. I’ve asked and I received. I got the best doctor; he did every test on my eyes and gave me medication and said,” if it gets worst come back immediately.” I went back and was sent to specialist, who’s been seeing me ever since and he’s been fantastic as well.” God is good,” and my healing is coming along in more ways than ever; mind, body and spirit, this is why I am now able to start my blog again. Writing my blog has been a struggle for me from the beginning and I believe this to have been another obstacle in my path,” or was it at all?”

Psalm 119:71- It is good for me that I have been afflicted; that I might learn thy statutes.” He put me in darkness so I could see light through Him.” I am not talking about light that is shinning, it is a metaphor for the awareness of His presence within me to have His wisdom, knowledge and understanding of what is going on within and surrounding me.

” What is the trinity of humanity,”one might ask? It is the flesh [body], spirit [the force within a person that is believed to give the body life energy and power] and the divinity. Divinity is the state or quality of being God (a God). In John10:34-35 Jesus answered, ”It is written in your own Law that God said, ‘you are gods’. If he called them gods, unto whom the word of God came, and the scripture cannot be broken.

For many years I believed that I could be just like Jesus. I was taught in Sunday school, be like Jesus and follow Him. My innocent childish ways of thinking lead me to believe that I could really succeed to be just like Jesus; follow the ten commandments, care for others, heal them, feed the hungry, and be a sacrifice. I did, however, clearly understand that I was not going to go on a cross and be crucified like Jesus. Instead, I was to give of myself, by helping and caring for others, even when I was tired and didn’t feel like it. I grew older not only wanting to follow Jesus, but trying to live by every word of the bible like some people and some churches teach. That is when the devil saw my vulnerability and came into my life. I was confused; following and being mislead by a lot of religious people with their interpretation of the bible. When it came to Jesus, I had a personal relationship with Him that was ever so real. I felt like I knew Him and I was there in every part of the bible that was written about Him. It is strange that when I was following Jesus the devil stood on the sideline a lot and every so often he’d tried to come across and run back. But there is something about Jesus and the power he has over the devil. So gradually I’d learn to always put Jesus first then the bible. I was remembering the story of the Sons of Sceva the Jewish High Priest in the book of Acts19:13-16 They traveled around and drove out evil spirits and tried to use the name of the Lord Jesus to do it. They would say to the evil spirit,”I command you in the name of Jesus, whom Paul preaches.” But the evil spirit said to them, ”I know Jesus, and I know about Paul, but you,”who are you?” The man who had the evil spirit in him attacked them and they ran from his house wounded and with their clothes torn off. This to me is so funny, because one of the commandments stipulated not to take the name of the Lord in vain. As 2Timothy3:5 says, Having the form of godliness, but denying the power thereof.

I realized that the access to divinity was taken from us in the garden when Adam and Eve were tempted by the devil and ate of the forbidden fruit. I say this because all hell had broken loose on earth after and the paradise that God had created for us was destroyed. But Jesus, ” oh the sweet name of Jesus,” as Psalm 124:1 If it had not been for the Lord who was on our side, now may Israel say. If it had not been for the Lord.” Jesus was and is, divinity in the flesh. I said [ was], because He is no longer flesh, but is now all divinity. Jesus, the son, father and holy ghost. I know that there is a lot of skepticism about the trinity, but it is up to each individual, the churches to believe or not. For what is written in the bible has many, I would say confusing statements about the trinity, for example, John1:1 In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. John14:9-11 Jesus said, ” He that has seen me has seen the Father, and so how say you then, show us the Father. Believe me that I am in the Father, and the Father in me. In John10:36 Jesus also said, ” I am a blasphemous because I said, I am the son of God.” There’s no confusion with this statement of Jesus declaring He is the son of God. When God had created everything in the world He said, ”let us make man in our image, after our likeness [a god and a spirit]. God: the father, and the son. Humanity[flesh], spirit, and divinity.

I also believe that when God said He would create us in His image and likeness he also meant that we also would have His ability to create for example, housing, cars, washing machines, music, movies, clothing, all the necessities would need to live. Sometimes I believe that God placed all the knowledge in us through Him and all we really need to do is discover it. We don’t create we just discover what God has already placed. God is God alone, He creates and He can destroy. Here is where we have to know our place and not step over boundaries. In everything we are capabke of discovering[create] comes from within us and within us is divinity[God].  And that divinity within us gives us the same abilities as God when He’d say,” let there be.” God’s creative heredity, He has given man. Some people use their divinity for good and some for bad. We use our divinity for good when we trust in God and pray that He would be the one leading us and not we ourselves. We use it for bad whenever we believe to ourselves we are God and there’s none else. Which goes back to garden, and the eating of the forbidden fruit from the tree of knowledge of good and evil, when the devil tempted Eve to eat the fruit that she would be as God. Genesis 3:5 For God doth know that in the day you eat thereof, then your eyes shall be opened, and you shall be as God. Like God has to fear us being like Him, ”really.”

Psalm8:4-6 What is man, that thou art mindful of him? And the son, of man that thou visited him? For thou hast made him a little lower than the angels, and hast crowned him with glory and honour. Thou made him to have dominion over the works of thy hands, thou hast put all things under his feet. God is what I call supreme divinity, that not even heaven can be above HIM.

Like siblings, we all may have some abilities, characteristics or similarities to our parents. Some of us more so then the others, whether good or bad. But just imagine some of us human beings having some abilities, characteristics and similarities like our heavenly Father, who is deemed perfect in every way. We may not be perfect, but some of us do, and it is a work in progress to try and maintain it, because of the struggles and battles within us and the world[sin].Ephesians 6:12 For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. Jesus came so He could reconcile us to God and His purpose for humanity, that we could recognize and understand that like Him, we also can be in oneness with God. And to be in oneness with God [divinity], you have to let go of certain human attributes, like anger, fear, hatred, and resentment. Here are some of the requirement of divinity according to Psalm82:3-4 Defend the poor and fatherless, do justice to the afflicted and needy. Deliver the poor and needy, rid them out of the hand of the wicked. I am not saying that Jesus came to make us Gods, God already said we were Gods. Psalm 82:6 ”I have said, “you are Gods, and all of you are children of the most High. I believe He came to ensure we were the humans we were created to be but with the ability to battle against the knowledge of good and evil that we were not to have known about in the first place. If we were to know that such knowledge and the consequences of it really was to destroy our relationship with God, had He not came we also could have destroyed ourselves. We needed to be equipped with wisdom and knowledge to renew our relationship HIM, and to rebuke the devil and his temptations through Jesus.

1John 4:4 Greater is He that is in you, than he that is in the world. The birth and the crucifixion of Jesus was very crucial for the salvation of man. His birth filled the earth with the presence of God and His crucifixion filled the earth with the wisdom knowledge, understanding and the will of God. God, Jesus the son, the Holy ghost, and humanity came together in oneness, and that oneness is the catalyst to divinity in man, who believes that He is, worshipped and praised, the son crucified and resurrected, sent into the world, accepted, rejected ”Matthew16:13 Whom do men say that I the son of man am? And Peter answered and said, ”Thou art the Christ, the Son of the living God.”

Matthew26:41 Watch and pray, that you enter not into temptation. The spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak. How did this all happen? In the beginning of the creation when God formed man of the dust of the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life[the spirit]. He said unto Adam, ”of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, thou shalt not eat of it, for in the day that you eat to it, you shall surely die.” Genesis2:7 and 17. But they were both tempted. I say “both” were tempted  because Adam called her bone of his bones and flesh of his flesh, because she was taken out of him ; and they became one. [Genesis2:23,24] They were tempted by the devil and did eat the forbidden fruit, and for this reason the war of the spirit and body began. But there is and has always been an instigator between those two; the devil.

I believe that God’s intention for us was to be somewhat like Him, but to oversee the things of the world He created. God said, ”Let us make man in our image, [a person or thing of close resemblance] after our likeness,[a semblance or guise] and let them have dominion over the fish, birds, cattle, creeping things, and over all the earth” [Genesis1:26] God is a spirit, John4:24 tells us. So if we are created in His image and likeness so was Adam and Eve before they had eaten of the forbidden fruit. Adam and Eve, I believe, were created with innocence and purity and so such was the spirit within them. They didn’t know that they were naked and they had no shame until God called onto them after they had eaten the fruit.

What people don’t realize is that because of sin, from the temptation and eating of the forbidden fruit, there arose in each and everyone of us , a division within, and without us which is spirit and flesh. It has become a battle for both the spirit and flesh to live in one accord. The serpent came that he may attack the divinity [the spirit] that God had placed in man, in His likeness and image. The true meaning of spirit to me is to be divine. I believe that Adam and Eve even though they were created from the dust of the ground they were light beings. Jesus, when he took Peter, James and John and was transfigured before them, His face did shine as the sun and his raiment was white as the light. Jesus changed on mountain of transfiguration Matthew17:1-9

The spirit only enters into the flesh once the baby is out of the mother’s womb. Take a deep breath, yes the spirit enters into the body at the first breath of a baby. The reason I say this is because while the baby is in the mother ‘s womb, the baby and the mother are one in spirit and flesh and remain that way until separation. What is  the definition of spirit, it is the nonphysical part of a person that is the seat of emotions and character; the soul. The Merriam Webster dictionary definition is: the force within a person that is believed to give the body life, energy, and power. The inner quality or nature of a person.First we must understand that spirit has no gender [male or female].It is only when it enters into the flesh [body] and with our physical eyes can we see, our hands can we touch and our ears can we hear whether it’s a boy or girl. The conflict of homosexuality, transgender and any physical or mental illnesses of the flesh is caused by the battling between the spirit and the flesh. One thing I must say is that even though spirit has no gender, it has a forms, good and bad or should I say negative and positive. The contrast between the negative and the positive is what brings life here on earth into existence,  amd they cannot exist without each other. God did not created us entirely with of spirit, we were created out of the ground of the earth, so the earth and us arenjoined together as one because we came out of it, like Eve who became one with Adam because she was created from one of his ribs. If we were created as the angels, spiritual beings of the heavenly foundation, I believe we wouldn’t suffer with the things we doas a result of our earthly foundation.

I believe that the tree of knowledge of good and evil wasn’t for us because of our inherent inability to handle such power. The spirit moves like the wind and the ray of light. The spirit moves swiftly and the body takes its time. We can see this because the body only grows in stages, like it takes nine month for a baby to be formed in its completeness. Adam was as spiritedly form, he didn’t take nine month and so was Eve. We were created part earth[body] and part spirit. When we die our body goes back to the earth and our spirit goes back to the creator [God]. Jesus came so that He can reclaim that which belongs unto God into oneness with Him. Psalm 24:1 tells us, ” The earth is the Lord’s and the fullness thereof, the world, and they that dwell therein.”

The story of Job wasn’t about Jobs wealth, physical body and faith in God only, it was also about his spirit. The devil was using what was around him, [family, friends and wealth] his emotional and physical body [attack of the body with diseases and his mind with vain thoughts] to show God once again, like the eating of the fruit in the garden that the creation of the spirit of man is weak and can be easily persuaded. What God didn’t do with Adam, He sure did with Job by first forming a hedge around him from the devil and installing in him spirit that cannot be moved or persuaded by the devil. God had drawn the line to the devil where man was concern in the story of Job, the code no access as literary spoken into todays vocabulary for the meaning of hedge, blockage or you are blocked from entering into.

When Jesus asked his disciples,”whom do you say that I am?” And Simon Peter answered Him saying, “Thou art the Christ, the Son of the living God. Jesus responded with, ”Blessed art thou, Simon Barjona for flesh and blood had not revealed it unto you, but my Father which is in Heaven. Upon this rock I will build my church, and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.”[Matthew15-18]

For us to understand the purpose of the creation of the church, we must first understand who, why and what of Jesus’ arrival to Earth. The who, is the world and they that dwell there in. Why? For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world, but that the world through him might be saved.[John3:17] What for? To show and teach us the will of God. Jesus laid the foundation with his birth, resurrection and everything that took place in between. He is the physical manifestation of the will of God. And the will of God is the basis in which the churches was to be created not that of man. Man cannot save themselves, only by the will of God can we be saved.

In the book of Revelation chapters 1,2,and 3 where John was given prophetic messages to send out to seven churches telling them of God’s judgment on them and His will. He didn’t send a teaching lesson, they were given a direct command. Jesus is the one that is speaking to John and explaining to him the things in which he is seeing and the things in which to come. When I’d read these chapters in revelation about the churches Jesus is speaking to through John, I can’t help, but think what would Jesus have to say to the churches of today. I believe that quite like when Jesus pointed out to the churches all that was wrong with them and needed to be changed, it is for all churches today to check themselves in comparison to what they believe like those churches, if they are doing according to God’s will or their own. For example Revelation2:2-5 His message to Ephesus, about how hard they work with patience and the fact that they don’t tolerate evil men, tested those who say they are apostles but are liars, and they suffered for His sake and never gave up. But yet they have fallen, they don’t love him as they did at first, repent and go back to loving Him as they did.

Whenever I hear man proclaim that,” it is their church,” makes me quaver in my spirit. If they only understand the meaning of the church they wouldn’t be saying that. And for the churches that has names that has nothing to do with what the church represent or its purpose, it is like 2 Timothy 3:5 Having the form of Godliness, but denying the power thereof. When they say my congregation, for me I think that man sometimes forget that God is the one in control and gave him the honor and respect like Jesus always declares. John 12:44 He that believe on me, believe not on me, but on him that sent me. John 6:37 All that the Father give me shall come to me. The congregation is the Lords. I am not speaking of all churches being like this, but for the few that are.

Whom would or could we say really needed the church, is it the so called righteous Christians or sinners? Matthew 9:12-13 Jesus said, ”people who are well do not need a doctor, but only those who are sick. Go and find out what is meant by the scripture that says,” it is kindness that I want, not animal sacrifices. I have not come to call respectable people, but outcast.” History hasn’t changed, like in the day of Jesus with the Pharisees and the Sadducees, there are religious people today who are so self righteous and know it all when it come to God that they miss the true understanding of the teachings and will of God. Because of their ignorance they close the church doors on the ones that God sent to them, who really need to get in. Romans 2:11 For there is no respect of persons with God. And I would truly believe that the church,” God’s church” should be the same.  Any and everyone no matter what should be welcome with no discrimination who is looking for solace, wisdom, knowledge and understanding in the almighty God.

I remember going to Sunday school and being taught this song by my Sunday school teacher. It was one of  the first songs I’ve ever learned, it is so easy to remember because you’d just repeated one verse over and over again, and that was all we were taught. Never understanding the meaning of a sunbeam, all I knew is that anything to do with Jesus was good, and I liked singing the song.

Almost thirty years went by without me hearing that song again and then I was invited to a prayer meeting and asked to start the meeting with a prayer by the minister who looked at me and began to sing the song, ”A sunbeam, a sunbeam Jesus wants you for a sunbeam.” I looked at him in fear and also disbelief. Fearful, because back in the days I was very shy, I never liked being up front in the midst of lots of people. Even today it scares the life out of me, just the thought of it! ”What if I’d say or do the wrong thing? I would be so embarrassed,” I’d constantly think to myself. Being in the back is my safe place when I’m around people. I don’t like fronting, and being the center of attention; I truly despise it. I was in disbelief because, of all the songs this minister chose to sing to me, it was one I haven’t heard in forever, old time song that I only heard in Sunday school and loved so much. Here I am all grown up, a woman now and for the first time, and as shocked as I was, I heard, within his singing, God calling me to ministry. I’ve always wanted to be like Jesus, to care for people and to heal them. But I never saw myself as a preacher, minister, pastor, ”no way in heaven or on earth, that is not my dream ever in life to do.” Believe it or not, that is some of what I was saying in my head when the minister was singing. He saw my reluctance and somehow could read my mind. He started to minister to me in the presence of everyone,” so embarrassing,” I thought to my self. He said, “the meaning of a sunbeam is God is calling you to be a light, a beacon for His purpose in the world where there is darkness,” and as he continued to speak something came over me and I fell to my knees and started praying like I never prayed before in my life. I don’t even recall when the gentleman stopped speaking when I’d fell to my knees. I believe the seed of ministry was planted in my soul at that very moment. We had a wonderful prayer meeting that day and everyone who attended walked away ever so blessed and uplifted.

I cannot bear witness of myself or of the things that I’ve been capable of doing through the Almighty. But He has sent people to me just for that purpose. God doesn’t give us favor so we can be proud and boastful over others. God wants to do a good work within us so that our light will shine and others can glorify Him for it. Matthew 5:16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in Heaven. Hebrews 13:21 God make you perfect in every good work to do His will, working in you that which is well pleasing in His sight, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Philippians 1:6 He which begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ.

I could speak of the many things that God made possible in our lives. I use the word ‘our’ because I am including myself in these testimonies as well as others. He is able to heal us, and heal us through others. He brought the dead back to life and through others He brought back the dead as well. He’s work all kind of miracles in our lives and through others, He has done the same. Matthew 19:26 Jesus said,”with men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.

I was taught how to pray, fast, worship and come into a sacred place with God, as Psalm 91:1 He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. God has prepared the table for me in the presence of my enemies,[Psalm23:5] I will not be hungry in the day of famine and all my enemies will see His blessings upon me. Songs of Solomon 4:15 God has given me the fountain of gardens, a well of living water [Jesus] John 4:10. Psalm 23:5 God anointed my head with oil, my cup run over, because He has chosen, God has called me to be empress, for His will.

I became a warrior and a general in the army of the Lord. I had to be taught to defend myself against evil forces of this world. You can’t be ranked no less than a general for anything less would cause you to lose the battle. The fight consist of every weapons and forms of fighting even to prayer. I am also known as a prayer warrior. Certain warfare requires diligence in fasting and praying. Like Ephesians 6:11 Put on the whole armour of God, that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. God doesn’t settle for mediocrity in His army; He forms you into who He created you to be and with strength and power of your own you become like Him mighty in acts and deeds.

Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengthen me. I can be and do anything I choose as long as it is in agreement and accordance to the will of God.

I went on a spiritual retreat seeking wisdom, knowledge and understanding of God. I was so confused about the teachings of the Bible, and why so many different types of churches came about from reading the same Bible and the teachings of Jesus. Why was the “my way is the only and right way to the kingdom of God.” perspective so prevalent?  My father, I was told, is Catholic and my mother, Protestant. I went to catholic school and churches. I was exposed to different faiths growing up; Seven Days Adventist, Jehovah’s Witness, Baptist, and even Hinduism because of a neighbour who, when they had a celebrations, would invite us over for food and to play with other children. When I was living on my own, a few other faiths came to witness at my door; one was a Mormon and others were mostly Pentecostal.  I would always let them in, in accordance to the Bible which says, ”Be not forgetful to entertain strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.” Hebrews 13:2. Once anyone would say anything about God, I wanted to know what they’d knew,  for I was seeking and wanting to understand more. I took the free bible from the Mormon and listened to what they had to say, but the Pentecostals captured my attention because of a friend who convinced me to go to church with her. I really liked the music and the fact that everyone was excited and filled with a zeal for God. The people would just dance around clapping and singing and I thought to myself, ” this is not boring it’s fun.” They were so friendly and welcoming. I was hooked until the confusion regarding the preaching set in. Here I am, a Catholic and Protestant by birth, being taught that we must only worship Jesus and that Catholicism and the worshipping of statues and saints was idol worship and that we were going to hell. For the first time in my life with no adult supervision I had chosen a faith of my own to belong to. I was dumbfounded because I never really saw myself as Catholic nor Protestant.  I just wanted to be a child of God. I was told that I was christened Protestant because I was born into sin given that my parents weren’t married but because back in those days whatever the man of the house was, so were his children, I went to Catholic school and was seen as a Catholic because that’s what my father was. I was never confirmed and I never took first communion, but my brothers did. I believe it was God way of telling me that I would some day make my own choice of  what faith I would belong to or that it didn’t matter.

I was never a true member of any churches. I’ve just been seeking a suitable church for me and I never felt like I belong. I was not brought up in the traditional Catholic way; I didn’t even know what a rosary was other than for protection and saints were just names given to churches. Somehow even going to Catholic school and taking religion courses, I’ve missed out a lot of important facts about the faith. I don’t blame my teachers, I just don’t remember. Same for being a faithful Pentecostal; I don’t remember ever being told that Pentecost came forty days after Jesus’ death and I was in the church faithfully for years. I’ve been through every religion you can think about and was even baptised into some of them as well. I was seeking God and His truth.  What I did find, a commonality among faiths, is that they all  believe that their way is the only right way of passage to God. They made me feel like they had a one way line connection to God that nobody else can access but themselves. But there was always something in my spirit that would not allow me stay. It would be just a matter of time that the teachings would push me out the door. I felt like Jesus when He said, ” Foxes have holes and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lie down and rest”. I use this analogy simply to state as Jesus that, not one place can hold me, all territories is mine. Don’t get me wrong, I am only mentioning this one Pentecostal church I’ve been to, because it was the only place in my life I’d spent the longest amount of time, and I must say it taught me a lot, I’d even got the Holy ghost and spoke in tongues; ironic the catholic thinks that strange tongues means demonic possession, lol.

When I started to disagree with some of the main teachings that were being ministered at the Pentecostal church, I started looking elsewhere. Although their teachings were pushing me out the door, I didn’t want to go. How could something start out so good and have to end bad? It was then that I came across a spiritual retreat that I went on which was not affiliated with their church. This retreat really changed my life and caused me to find a real closeness with God. After going to the retreat, I came back with much knowledge, wisdom, and understanding that I wanted to share. To make a long story short, my presence in the Pentecostal church was not the same and I could feel it; not so much from the congregation, but from the Pastor. For when I brought back a message for him, his words to me, were ”I don’t take messages from man.” That Sunday night, much to my surprise the assistant pastor got a message from God for the church, and the Senior pastor that doesn’t take messages from man was jumping in the Holy ghost over the message. It was same message I brought to the Senior Pastor.  I hadn’t wanted to go back to church because I felt so embarrassed after speaking to the Pastor but faith would have it that I would be moved to attend night service just me alone without my family, for the first time, to witness this. I still would not leave my beautiful and wonderful church; all our friends were there, some we even considered family. But shortly after, I was rebuked out of the my church in the name of the Lord Jesus. One Sunday, the Senior Pastor stood up as I was walking in toward my seat and said, ”you must not believe everything you read in the Bible some of the things written in the Bible were letters and doesn’t pertain to us,” and he was mentioning something about the letter to the Roman Christians Paul wrote and my spirit lifted me to my feet my hand stretched out as a student to a teacher asking a question, all I could recall hearing is “I rebuke you in the name of Jesus” and everyone clapping. I don’t even think half of them knew what they were clapping and standing for, but his and my eyes met together as the tears rolled down my face. After that service, I knew it would be my last. I felt my body spinning as I went through the door and I tried to keep my composure so that no one would see what was happening to me, but something pulled me out through those door. You knew it was really bad when my two year old would say good morning to a grown adult member of the church, whom he would see everyday, but after I left, she passed him, a baby!, with her head high like she never saw him. My God my heart was so broken. I wanted to hurt her so bad. it is one thing to hate on me an adult but an innocent child too? You have to draw the line especially to call yourself a worshipper of God. And to this day I don’t even know what it is that I did that was so wrong. I wrote a letter to the Senior Pastor of the church about their behavior and what the Bible says about it, quote for quote. From that day, I had promised to never ever be a member of any church even again. I was then told that many members of the church saw what the Pastor had done to me and had left the church as a result and that it was going through hard times after the incident of rebuking me. Former members, even to the ones who were hating on me, became my friend again. I poured out my heart and soul in that letter even unto God for those people I had came to love and trust.

I guess I was completely unaware of my transformation after the retreat. All I could think about is the part in the movie the Ten commandment when Moses came down from the mountain after talking with God, and his hair and looks changed. Maybe my ex-pastor saw what others couldn’t have seen a light that was shining a little too bright. One day before all of the rebuke and hating took place, the mother of a member said to my step mother, ”is this your daughter? You better be careful for her, the Pastor doesn’t like her.” I thought to myself what a strange thing for a stranger to say about my Pastor. Oddly enough, there was another time that I was walking into church when a group of women stopped me and asked, ”what church do you really belong to because we would like to attend?” Trying hard not to be disrespectful I asked, ” what door did you see me enter into? why would you think I belonged somewhere else?” One of the women said, “you don’t look like you belong here.” I could only conclude that it may have been the way I was dressed that made them come to that conclusions. When I came back from my retreat I did dress differently to the way I used to. Many years after my retreat I still never wore pants or shorts. From always being a sexy dresser, I began to dress very conservatively. It was hard for me after years to wear clothes that exposed even just my knees; even now that I am back to dressing a little sexy I always that I am showing a little too much in certain outfits. When I say I was a sexy dresser, Singer Cher and Madonna had nothing on me beside being famous; my brothers were my bodyguard when I’d go clubbing lol.

This retreat has not only cost me my church family, but my blood family. Even when I was in the club scene with friends and family, I didn’t feel as much hate and resentment as I did for my closer walk with God. And the thing about it is, like when I  approached the Senior Pastor, everything that I learned I shared it with my family. I thought it would be something that would make them happy for me, instead I became Joseph and they became the brothers. Joseph brothers hated him because his father Jacob liked him very much and favored him by making him a beautiful coat of many colors, and if that wasn’t bad enough for them to hate him, Joseph told his brothers about two dreams he had of them bowing down to him. They had plot to kill him but instead sold him, and took his beautiful coat and dipped it into goats blood and told their father Jacob that he was killed by a wild animal and his father was devastated (Genesis 37). I’ve always believed that one aspect of this story of Joseph and his brothers was sibling rivalry taken to the extreme.

I know that it comes across as though I believe everyone is either jealous or envious of me, but that is what I went through with my blood family siblings growing up. I was considered the good child because I listened, never gave trouble and I respected and care about everyone. I wasn’t doing it because I wanted to show up my siblings by being better then them, there was no reward for being just me. If I did something wrong to disappoint my dad, it made my siblings happy. My father was the one to blame for this he’d always mention to my siblings why can’t they be more like me, and I hated it. I was never a fighter, I was always lover. Being overly sensitive to what people feel or think of me, turned me into a people pleaser and my family knows just how to get at me. One of my eldest sisters who was going through serious depression with two child got herself into trouble with drugs which, later on, took her life. Not one of them went to her aid or to see how the children were doing before she died. But when I came back from my retreat would you believe that they held a séance trying to rid me of the evil things the bishop supposedly had done to me? The only thing that I could see change about me was the way people I loved treated me. My sister who was sick was upset when I told her what they did to me. All she said is ”who are they to judge?” She would have told them to shove it. And that is saying it nicely for I cannot use the words she actually used. She was one of my biggest sibling rivalries; she love-hated me and somehow we both knew it. It got so bad that one day we even fought physically. I had, had enough of her degrading me and saying bad things about me to the point that strangers would say, ”that’s your sister, but if I was you I would have nothing to do with her, she hates you.” Even after our physical altercation, I didn’t care, I still loved her. I never wanted to fight the ones I love, not with the tears running from my eyes and my soul bleeding in side. This happened over twenty seven years ago and it still hurts real bad and it is only been nineteen years since she died. I know my sister died with all respect for me. We never ever had another confrontation again after our fight. She’d always looked after me her little sister and believe she could do and say whatever she wants about me, but I dare the person that would say and do anything to me without her making war over me. That’s just how she was; do as I say not as I do. I was the one who took in her children when no one else wanted to. What my siblings don’t  know about me is how much I’d wish I could have been strong like them. I suffered with a lot of fears and my kindness was not my weakness, it was my strength. I tried to not be myself and it didn’t work because I have a conscious and it wouldn’t let me be no other but me; God is my conscious. He pushed me to who I am called to be not what man wants of me. I had a step sister, that to me was my little sister. No one would have ever known that the blood inside of me wasn’t inside of her. And I loved her dearly, God knows, I would have done anything for her; I would have even given my soul. She was one of the people that held the séance for me with two other family members. I knew since I came back from the retreat that our relationship was different. I would be told things like, your sister seems to have a problem with you, be careful. I refused to believe it, no not my baby sister come on, not her too. She looked me in the eyes one day and told me not to call her mother my mom call her by her name and our relationship was done after we physically got into a fight; story of my life. I’ve tried to put it behind me and move o;, I’ve even try reaching out to her, but no response. It’s been almost fourteen years since I’ve seen or spoken to her or my step mother.

One night while on the retreat, I had a dream that I was crying for my family, ”Oh my Lord my family.” Someone lifted up my head and showed me all of these people I’ve never seen in my life and said, ”this is your family.” With tears running down my face and falling into his hands as he held my chin in his palm, he said, ”look”. It was people of all races, it looked like millions of them coming up to the mountain on which I knelt crying. I went on a retreat that shook the very foundation of the meaning of the word retreat. I say this because, it changed me and everybody around me. I remember calling the Bishop crying, ” what did you do to me,why does everyone hate me, what happened to me, how have I changed?” He said nothing and just sat in silence as I am bawling my head off, then he said, ” a prophet is not without honour, but in his own country, and among his own kin, and in his own house, so stop the crying.” And that was it. Then someone said to me, ”must Christ bare the cross alone and the whole world go free, if you’re in Christ Jesus pick up your cross and go with it.” Everything that I wanted to understand about humanity was happening all around me. Starting with the ones I loved, it was very painful. It was because of going to the retreat that I was able to find my sister and the children. You see, just like Joseph, I had a dream and I saw where and how to find them in that dream. Before she died I took her to see all my other sibling except one, she was at work that day, and a year after, she died. So who do you say I am?

I never thought that following God, or even been called can take such a toll in your life. Losing of family and friends over faith is so bad when believing in God should bring out the best in people and bring people together. I believe God had a purpose in all that He’s done in my life, and I have a very hard time with letting go especially of the things I care for and love. I have come to understand that these things became weaknesses for the devil to use against me so God had them let go of me. And for God’s purpose, sometimes certain connections have to be broken for protection, and God just wants our undivided attention. This understanding I’ve only acquired now, thanks to the to the ministering of Td Jakes at the Potter’s House.

I was ridicule, cursed, put down, asked “who do I think I am?” made fun of, called names, disrespected, laughed at, and disowned. I fell into great depression. I felt like I didn’t belong in this earth. I wanted to go home to my heavenly father where I’ve always felt safe and loved. I cried out to Him to just take me away for the weight was too much for me to bear. When I was overwhelmed with the rejection and pain my family and friends caused me, as though it wasn’t enough, even strangers and acquaintances who didn’t even know me personally joined in on the persecution of me for no apparent reason. I was in hell, the only way I could describe it, because I felt that the devil was on my heel. For this reason, I heard a whisper in my ears to write the Redemption prayer in which I ”pray for all my enemies, friends and families, even to my acquaintance and all those who wrongfully accuses me.” Psalms 56 was my prayer of strength through it all especially verses 8-9′ ”put thou my tears into thy bottle, are they not in thy book? when I cry unto thee, then shall mine enemies turn back.” I’ve spend days and nights in tears asking God, ”why me?” I was even accused of doing witchcraft, voodoo, all manner of evil to people. One day, I was so broken and as I cried I asked God if I was evil and just can’t see it, and in my defence I heard the voice of God saying to me , ”don’t let them get to you, because they, themselves tried to hurt and stop you from doing my will with their evil intent.” Scriptures declares in 1 Chonicle 16:22 ”Touch not mine anointed and do my prophets no harm.” King David had even said the same thing about Saul to Abishai when he had the chance to kill Saul. David said to Abishai, ”for who can stretch forth his hand against the Lord’s anointed, and be guiltless?”

One thing that I’ve learned from this is that God doesn’t give us favor to be proud and boastful over others. He give us favor so that our love, compassion, mercy and humility through Him can shine forth to others, that they may believe in Him, through us and our works. It is and will always be God’s will not ours. So it says in Luke 22:42 ”Not my will , but your will be done,” The Lord’s prayer, ”thy kingdom come , thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.” Deuteronomy 8:18 ”But thou shalt remember the Lord thy God, for it is He that give thee wealth.” Jeremiah 9:23-24 ”Thus says the Lord, ”Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom, neither let the mighty man glory in his riches. But let him that glory, glory in this, that he understand and know me, that I am the Lord which exercise loving kindness, judgement and righteousness, in the earth, for in these things I delight, says the Lord.”

I’ve spend my whole life wanting very much to be like Jesus, as I was taught in Sunday school, if I wanted to go to heaven. Boy did I ever want to go to heaven. I tried to follow the Ten commandments, read my Bible and pray every day. What I didn’t understand and was never taught is that following Jesus wasn’t going to be easy. I wanted to love, care and heal people like Jesus did. I didn’t think I would have also been crucified, metaphorically speaking, like He was. I believed that I was invincible to any evil attacks because of my faith; the blood, the crucifixion and the resurrection of Jesus. I was so misguide and confused about faith and people of faith and their teachings, that it was so important for me to go into deep spirituality, and oneness with God, not man and his interpretation of God, but the call to the Holy ghost to educate me. Because of all this hating and jealousy, a deep rooted fear has arose in me. I’ve stated one day to a man of God who’d asked me, ” whom do I fear, God or man?” With bold assurance I said,” man” God fist or weapons I can’t see, but man’s, they put the fear in me. Psalms 56:4 ”In God I will praise his word, in God I have put my trust, I will not fear what flesh can do unto me,” was the verse he gave me. From then on I’d found courage in always remembering what he’d told me and I had began my work. Many would gather and listen to all that I had to say about God and the visions I had been blessed with. I was able to preach and prophesize for quite some time but then, I walked away from my calling and have been suffering over it ever since; suffering more so than when I had been doing God’s bidding. When I say suffering, words cannot describe what I’ve been through and for many years and it has only been now I am finally coming out of the depths. I believe I suffered because of disobedience and allowing my greatest fears to prevent me from what God had called me to do.

Luke 13:12 Jesus was teaching in one of the synagogues on the Sabbath and behold there was a woman which had a spirit of infirmity eighteen years, and was bowed together, and could in no wise lift up herself. And when Jesus saw her, He called her to Him and said,”woman thou art loosed from your infirmity.” And He laid his hand on her and immediately she was made straight, and glorified God.

What moved within my spirit about this story was the fact that this woman never asked out loud or even approached Jesus for healing. It seemed like she was simply going about her business, even accepting her infirmity; not making it a problem which controlled her life or an excuse for not living her life abundantly. Only God knew what was in her heart and mind; after all ,she was in the synagogue potentially even praying about getting healed. But Jesus saw her and called her to Him. I thought to myself, ”did she even know who Jesus was?” Everyone else in the Bible who know who Jesus was all went seeking Him for help or healing of some sort. For example, the woman with the issue of blood, Matthew 9:20, She said within herself,”if I may but touch the his garment I shall be made whole.” The woman in John 8:3-7 that they brought for Jesus’s opinion to stone her or not for committing adultery, and Jesus said,”He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.”

There is also another story similar to this one. John 5:5-6 A certain man was there who had an infirmity thirty and eight years. When Jesus saw him lie[crippled] and knew that he had been now a long time in that state, He said unto him,”wilt thou be made whole?” The difference between these two stories is the John5:14 Jesus finds him in the temple and says unto him, ”Behold thou art made whole, sin no more, lest a worse thing come unto thee. Jesus asked the man if he wanted to be heal, as if some how the man had control over his infirmity, it was his choice and Jesus didn’t lay his hand on him, He just told him, ”Rise take up thy bed, and walk.” But Jesus called the woman to him, told her she was heal, and laid His hand on her.

I believe that there are some infirmities that we enable, through choices like the man, John5:7 The man’s answer to Jesus when He’d ask him if he wanted to get well, is he had no one to help him and everyone was always getting in his way, which to me was an excuse. We all have the inner ability when very desperate, to make change through faith, so our circumstances would not hold us back. The woman, to me, showed that ability. And she was not responsible for her infirmity, scripture declared she had a spirit of infirmity Luke13:11. But she didn’t allow it to affect her life, she kept on doing what she had to do. It didn’t become her blockage, it became her courage.  We can only speculate about each of their circumstances and what brought someone into the position they were in when Jesus noticed their condition to heal them. Because the scripture doesn’t tell us whether both were born in their condition or an accident may have caused it, all we know is how many years they were in their condition.

No matter what our infirmities, how long we’ve been suffering through it, or what the cause of it was, once Jesus sees it, He is going to heal it.” How does Jesus see it today for us?” It is through the report of the angels and the comforter[Holy ghost].  For certain situations, Jesus himself shows up in certain places for specific people. For example, like the woman at the well, John4:7-29, The Samaria woman of whom He’d asked for water and told her that He would give her water that she’ll never thirst again and told her things of her personal life that no one knew. What is even more profound is Jesus confess to being the Messiah to Mary and her sister Martha for the death of their brother Lazarus in John 11:4; Lazarus was sick and his sisters sent word to Jesus to come, and by the time Jesus got there Lazarus was dead and He brought him back to life. Luke 8:26-33 The man that had the legions of devils inside him that Jesus cast out into pigs and they drowned in a lake. And there were many other specific persons Jesus had also show up for in the Bible.

Jesus intention has and will always be to heal the world; our mind ,body and spirit.

Lord be thou in my heart where your love, humility, compassion and mercy can abide.

Lord be thou in my mind where no negative forces can abound.

Lord be thou in my spirit where all your anointing and your glory can flow.

Lord, I am your vessel; fill me up, use me Lord for your purpose.

Lord be thou my compass for the path I am to go. Lead me, guide me, shield me for the journey ahead.

For I am a pilgrim in this land, seeking your wisdom, knowledge and understanding.

I can’t do anything without you Lord; not rising up in the morning or laying down at night.

Many Christians have different interpretations of the piercing of the side of Jesus. John 19:34 But one of the soldiers with a spear pierced his side, and immediately there came out water and blood. My understanding is the body=flesh, blood=sacrifice; the flowing power of life’s energy in the flesh, and water=element that brings forth life, spirit in manifestation form.

I understand that the people were preparing for the Sabbath, and they didn’t want the crucified to be on the cross on the holy day. To speed up the death of the crucified they would break their legs, but when it came to breaking Jesus’s leg, instead the soldier pierced his side, because he saw that Jesus was already dead.

To me, everything about Jesus death can be described as a spiritual interpretation that I have come to understand. Jesus, on the way to the cross, was already traveling between dimensions; Heaven and Earth, communicating with God the Father as the Angels propped Him on every side, to make it to the cross to fulfill the scriptures, that he will die on the cross and rise again in three days. For example, Jesus said, ”I thirst.” and they give him vinegar to drink John19:29. The meaning of vinegar symbolizes the water that would make us thirst again. In the story of the Samaria woman in John 4:7, Jesus asked her for water to drink at the well. In understanding the story of the Samaria woman and Jesus, it is impossible to visualize, Jesus of all people asking for water at His crucifixion. It depicted his humanity [flesh] crying out, because remember Jesus said,”whosoever drink of the well of Jacob shall thirst again,” John4:13. But in John 4:14 Jesus added,” whosoever drink of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst.” Jesus wasn’t thirsty for water as we know it. He was thirsty for the well of water springing up into everlasting life, as His spirit was slowly slipping away from His flesh.

The water and the blood is very significant to the flesh [body]. The blood and the water was the power and the victory over the flesh, that once it was poured out of Jesus, it was the key to unlocking the gates of hell that bind us to sin and set us sinners captive-free. The water and the blood had to be poured out for us and on us. Glory be to God for His mercy endure forever. The blood and the water was the beginning of unity between humanity and spirituality within.

Matthew 27:50-53 Jesus, when he had cried with a loud voice, yielded up the ghost. And behold, the veil of the temple was rent in twain from the top to the bottom, and the earth did quake, the rocks rent; the graves were opened and many bodies of the saints which slept arose, and came out of the graves after Jesus resurrection, and went into the holy city and appeared unto many. Let’s not forget in Matthew 27:45 From the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land until the ninth hour. All that happened at the point and time of the crucifying of Jesus from the darkness, veil, earthquake, rocks and the grave was Jesus’s spirit had leached on or dispersed into the world with such great force of power that there was nothing left untouched by it. The darkness had to come so He could take it all away.

What is really important to our salvation was the death and the resurrection of our Lord and saviour Jesus. Romans 6:23 The wages of sin is death. Jesus was born without sin that’s why death could not hold him down. His spirit had been received into the Father’s hand once he had given up the ghost. Luke 23:46 Jesus after being placed into the Sepulchre[tomb] was once again being ministered unto by the angels and communicating with His father waited for His body[flesh] to reconnect with Jesus the spirit being without having to be born of a woman again. John 20:17 Jesus said, ”Touch me not, for I am not yet ascended to my Father, but go to my brethren and say unto them, I ascend unto my Father, and your Father, and to my God, and your God.”

The piercing of Jesus side also showed us that it was not by man hands that He’d perished, He was already dead. John 19:33. Jesus chose to give up the ghost [die]. Jesus’ death and resurrection is not the same as Lazarus John 11:4 Lazarus sickness was not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the son of God might be glorified. John 11:25,26. Lazarus was never meant to die. He was meant to be a martyr to represent the ability to overcome sickness and rise up from the dead through Jesus Christ our saviour. Jesus said, I am the resurrection, and the life, he that believe in me though he were dead yet shall he live. And whosoever live and believe in me shall never die.”