12/07/2016. The day I will never forget. It started at 7:41am as I entered the shower lifted up my right hand to move my hair as the water beat down onto my face. All I felt was pain, pain as I never felt before in my chest radiating to my left arm. I couldn’t even breath without pain in my chest and the feeling of pressure. I thought to call out for help, but I was more concern of the reaction of my family and the attention I was going to have to endure so I started to pray, “Lord not like this, please not like this, for my family to see me in pain and hurting.” My daughter and my sister to find me naked and on the ground in the shower and my husband who was two hours away would go insane to have heard anything had happened. I prayed like I never prayed before even called upon my guardian angel.

I challenged Satan. I said if you think you’re going to take my life, go ahead I dare you, but in the name of Jesus when I get to heaven, what I couldn’t do here to you in this life, by God I will return to loose all my family and friends that is in your bondage so help me God. I will be fighting beside Jesus to put you away for good. I was in so much pain that I felt like someone was stepping on my chest to break the bones in my chest.  I guess the devil doesn’t like to be challenged, not like that.

I am not afraid of dying, it is living that I am afraid of. I love and believe in God so much and because of my near death experiences I know what Heaven is like. Nothing in this world can compare to its peace, love, beauty, it is just extraordinary you can’t explain it. But coming back to this world where there’s so much pain, suffering, fears, doubts, sicknesses, diseases, struggles, humans against humans, etc. The only hell I believe is right here on earth.

I heard a voice whispering in my ear exactly what I must do to overcome this situation without a panic. And I did what I was told; I made it out of the shower, even had time to get dressed, go downstairs and pray at my altar. I sat down and watched television for a few minutes. Something told me go tell your daughter come and see what I was watching on television. But as I walked up the stairs, the pain started again and this time I couldn’t catch my breath. I went into my daughter’s room and told her I was not feeling well and that something is happening to my chest and left arms, right away she said, “mom you’ve got to go to the hospital.” I told her about how I was struggling in the shower and I didn’t want an ambulance. I told her I hope it would pass and then she convinced me to go to the clinic and I said ok. I was going to take the bus and my sister said it was not a good idea, if I was in pain. So I called my husband who then came home from work to take me instead.

I was poked and pinched, you name it. Every test that can be done was done on me. The doctors thought it was my heart and then ruled it out, then thought it was my something to do with my lungs. I was in pain now for seven hours before they realized I needed pain medication. I was ready to go home when my husband begged me, just let the doctors do their work to find out what is wrong. I was hungry, in pain and tired. I felt in my spirit that this was an attack , a spiritual warfare of some sort. And the I began to pray and as I was praying, I heard angels singing and I began to sing along with them. I knew I was going to be sent home.

I went to get an x-ray when I met up with this woman who was suffering with bleeding for thirteen years and the doctors doesn’t know what or where it was coming from. I asked her if she believed in God, does she pray? and she said, “every day.” I told her read in the bible about the woman who touched the hem of Jesus’s garment and was made whole, and with saying that I heard the technician for the x-ray call my name. I felt so bad that we couldn’t continue our conversation, because I was taken in right away as if it was an emergency. I was hoping to see her when I got out the x-ray, but she was gone. She wasn’t even waiting for an x-ray, but was out of breath and sat down to wait right next to me for the use of the bathroom next door. I wanted so much to tell her it is just not prayers alone, but the woman’s faith in Jesus, that she would be healed by him, just a touch. And she fought through the crowd secretly for that touch. Her healing was in her faith. Now she can’t see Jesus or touch him like that woman did, but she can believe through his life and resurrection she is healed. It’s been over two thousand years, but we can still through faith touch Jesus and he will heal us with his healing power.

After my x-ray, I was sent back to the assessment room. The doctor that came in to assess me was not too impressed at the fact that I was laughing as I was describing what happened. He turned and said to my husband with a serious face, “she would laugh at a funeral?” I just continued to laughing, because as I had been waiting so long I was being entertained by the choir of angels and my guardian. After I spoke to the doctor and he left to order more tests, my husband who gets so embarrassed by certain things I’d do and say at times, look to me and said in a very loving way, ” Would you stop? You’re acting like a child,” and he smiled. I told him exactly what was going on in my head and around me with the angels. I told him why I was so happy. It wasn’t until I told him what the doctor was going to do and say next, is when I knew he finally believed me, because it came true.

Remember it was seven hours before I got any medication and I had not yet been given any medication to have made me so high. But I was high on the power of the Holy ghost,  that even when I was finally given their medication for pain and was told to continue if I was in any more pain, it’s been several weeks now and I never had to take one pain killer and I feel fine just a little bit of pain when I’d move that I need no meds for. Thank you Lord!

I believe for myself that when it comes to me going through spiritual warfare, I am always being attacked in my body and so when I would go to the hospital, the doctors could never find a diagnosis, it is always a mystery to them but through prayers I get healed.

Is it a building? What if the church was not predicated on a building, but rather on the truth of the wisdom, knowledge and understanding of God. Matthew 16: 16-18 Thou art the Christ, the son of the living God. And Jesus answered and said unto him, “Blessed art thou, Simon Bar-jo-na: for flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto thee, but my Father which is in Heaven. And I say also unto thee, that thou art Peter, and upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. If the interpreters of the Bible had only said, “with this knowledge I will give you the keys of the kingdom of Heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt bind on earth shall be bound in Heaven: and whatsoever thou shalt loose on earth shall be loosed in Heaven. The church, temple, synagogues and mosque, are all places believed to be where worship of God takes place with gathering of all the people who believes. Psalm 133:1 Behold, how good and pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity.

When Jesus said, “flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto thee, but my Father which is in Heaven.” Peter, like the others, did not know that Jesus was truly the son of God, but God had to reveal it to him within his spirit. All of the other disciples that were with Jesus saw the same things Peter saw Him doing. But yet, why couldn’t they say what Peter had said, or why couldn’t they have seen it also, that Jesus was the son of God? Peter means rock and upon the rock is the foundation of the knowledge of God which, as was revealed to Peter, is the church built within each and everyone us.

After Jesus’ resurrection, the promise of the Holy ghost (comforter Matthew 14:26) did come on the day of Pentecost Act 2:24 And the truth was revealed and spread to all who believed in Jesus even today the Holy ghost is still moving in us to do the will of God. Just as Jesus has given us the key to the kingdom of heaven(Matthew 16:19) He has given us just as the father has given him authority through him, to access the heaven and the earth. But we have to remember it is only through obedience, and oneness to the will of God like Jesus, can we accomplish this, not by flesh but by the spirit.

In conclusion the church is not built with concrete, wood and glass. It cannot be torn down or broken into. To me the church is revelation of divinity.

There’s nothing like a need being fulfilled  by what was desired for its fulfillment. That’s what true love is all about.

You are to me a listening ear,

The revival of my spirit,

The restoration of my soul,

My comforter and salvation,

My light in my darkness.

When I am buried in sackcloth and ashes, you wash and renew me.

By the power of the Holy ghost, I am set on fire with the zeal for change and to make change.

I now have a hunger for bread (the word),

A thirst for wine (the knowledge of the crucifixion and resurrection).

You’ve drawn me nearer to you with your love.

Love was made and we became one, conceived and multiplied.

Now my desire is all for you and you alone my love.

You are the lover of my soul.

I am your vessel, you are my water, pour into me and fill me up

Come Holy spirit, come join me so that we all become one.

 

We can only change the world by the authority and permission given to us by God, isn’t that what Jesus did? “Who am I to think I could do anything without God?” Never; it wouldn’t even cross my mind. Too bad I couldn’t be so confident to say like Jesus to see me is to see the father(John 14:9) If wasn’t for sin in me, I could so boldly speak those words. But by grace given to me by God as his vessel I know I could be used and I am willed to surrender all for His glory.

Scripture declares that unless you be like a child you cannot enter the Kingdom of heaven(Matthew 18:3) The reason is to be like a child you have to be open and willing to learn, not having your own wisdom, but being pure and innocent. When you’re brought up in the  kingdom(Proverbs 22:6 train up the child in the way he or she should go: and when he is old, he or she will not depart) from a child the devil may try, but he has no power over you. You do have the ability to over come the world, because like Jesus and through him, we are given kingdom power and the devil knows it. John 5:4-5 Everyone born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world: or faith. Who then overcomes the world? Only he who believes that Jesus is the son of God.

We can change the world, but can’t definitely not do it by ourselves, we need the Lord.

 

What is the misinterpretation of God’s jealousy? It is believing that God is so insecure that he would be jealous of anything  about man or even the devil. If we are claiming that God is omnipresent, omnipotence, and omniscience, then it is not God who has the problem, we are the ones with the problem of misinterpretation of what being jealous means when it comes to God. Maybe the word to be use should not be jealous, but protective for our own good from anything that could cause us to turn away from him, like sin. God requires our commitment to him. After what happened to Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden nothing else in the world can be compared to him that would be good or as concerned for our wellbeing as he is. Because really, he is the only God there’s no other, but the rebellious angel the devil, who tries to be a God and misleading some of us free-willed humans against God.

People you have to consider this: God created everything even the devil. Even some things that God has created which is bad, according to our understand, is suitable for his own purpose. Take for example, Jesus wasn’t jealous of John the Baptist or his followers, because Jesus knew John was there to serve a purpose. Neither would he be jealous of all the attention that Paul the murderer got over his disciples he taught and walked with. Paul wrote so much in the New testament, that he surpassed  all the disciples writings and today is being quoted even more so than them. But remember it was Jesus who threw Paul off his horse and asked why was he persecuting him and then gave him all wisdom, knowledge and understanding in Acts 9:1-22. Remember in Mark 9:38-40 John told Jesus there was a man driving out demons in his name, and they told him to stop, because he doesn’t belong to their group. Jesus told them, don’t try to stop him, because no one who performs miracle in my name will be able soon afterward to say evil things about me. For whoever is not against us is for us. Jesus never once said anything about jealousy. After all God should be jealous of Jesus the man, who has so much more influence on humanity than him, because he walked and talk with them, fed, taught and did miracles for them, that even his name they call upon first in times of trouble.

What our problem is, is that we are trying hard to personify God as a human being with human emotions and thoughts (Isaiah 55:8 For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord). If God created everything, why would he be jealous of it? Jealousy is what the devil is all about, not God. The word jealous should never be use to describe God in my understanding of how God is towards us. Just to think of it, if he was anything like what we’ve interpret jealousy to be, we would be dead already, because we have a lot of things we give priority to before him.

 

 

John 19:1-2 Then Pilate therefore took Jesus, and scourged him. And the soldiers platted a crown of thorns, and put it on his head, and they put on him a purple robe. And said, “Hail, King of the Jews!” and they smote him with their hands.

After Jesus resurrected, along came with his resurrection many changes that affected all of humanity in our thoughts, actions and our deeds. It touched us in a powerful way especially his disciples, those he performed miracles on and the ones who had witnessed it all. John 14:12-17 Jesus says whoever believe in him will do what he does and greater because he was going to his father (crucified). He said he will never leave us comfortless, and he prays the father will send us another comforter, the spirit that reveals the truth about God. The world cannot receive him, because it cannot see or know him, but we know him, because we believe in Jesus.

With this I am here to conclude that because of this knowledge that the world cannot receive the spirit of truth, I don’t think that they will be willing to receive this resurrection truth either. Every time I  heard someone say, “where in the bible does it say to pray the Rosary” I get angry, really angry. I was once ignorant like that myself about the Rosary and now that I know the truth, it cuts like a knife to hear anyone says anything against it. I do not agree with people that say if it is not in the Bible I don’t or won’t believe it. Come on people, there is so much in our lives that we believe in that has nothing to do with the Bible, Christians.

It is now be twenty-one years since I went on my retreat and learned about the Rosary, not by man, but by the Spirit of truth revealing it to me. All I did was what Jesus said, “ask and you shall receive,” and ask I did about the Rosary. I was told that the crown of thorns that Jesus wore on his head was the never ending torment of the mind which is what the circle represents and the thorns are the physical piercing pain of negative thought that would not stop or shut down, like a clock tick tocking away in your head. The torment of Jesus’s  mind all began in the garden of Gethsemane, the betrayal by Judas, the scourging at the pillar and all the hatred shown by the people towards him who cried out crucify him after all the good he had done for them; even some of his disciples, followers and even those he worked  miracles on denied him. Jesus was in a vulnerable position and being in that vulnerable position, the powers and principalities attacked him mentally and emotionally.  Doesn’t it sound a lot like mental illness?

Here is where whatever he was feeling transformed after the resurrection. He’d take on the thorns and transformed the thorns into roses (grace) for us. The meditation of the Rosary is grace for the mind and power to the spirit. The Rosary is not about worshiping the mother of Jesus, but the acknowledgement of her role in God’s purpose for the salvation of man. The Rosary is about Divinity that came upon Mary  and she conceived it. It’s about the conception, life and death of Jesus. The praying of the Rosary gives all glory and honor to God, not to the angels or man, only God himself alone. Luke 4:8 Jesus answered, “The scriptures says, worship the Lord your God and serve only him. Jesus never took honor for himself.

 

 

How can you discern when everything appears to be the same? Remember we have an adversary that tries to imitate everything that God does, he tries to  confuse us. So how do we discern? We discern by truth, God’s truth 1John4:2 every spirit that confess that Jesus Christ is come in the flesh is of God. God is not a man that he should lie, neither the son of man that he should repent, hath he said, and shall he not do it? or hath he spoken, and shall he not make it good? (Numbers 23:19) God is truthful and righteous. Isaiah 11:5 And righteousness shall be the girdle of his loins, and faithfulness the girdle of his reins. John14:6 Jesus said, ” I am the way, the truth and the life.” John 18:37 Jesus said, he came into the world that he should bear witness unto the truth. Everyone that is of the truth, hear his voice.

We can all agree that following the teachings of the Bible is the key to understanding the will of God. But interpretation is the key; if it become confusing to us, well we all know where it leads, it leads to discord in faith. I believe that this is why we have so many different religions stemming from the same Bible, that preaches the same God and only begotten son, the crucified Jesus. God gave us the key to open the doors to wisdom, knowledge and understanding of who He is and His love and salvation for us. The key is the Word, and according to John 1:1-14 In the beginning was the Word and Word was with God, and the Word was God. And the Word was made flesh and dwelt among us, and we beheld his glory, the glory as of the only begotten of the Father, full of grace and truth.

John 14:12 Jesus said, “verily, verily, I say unto you, he that believe on me, the works that I do shall he do also and greater works than these shall he do, because I go unto my father. So Jesus was saying that we, who believe in him, will have the abilities to do what he has don, the same miracle,s even greater and if we recall the miracles that Jesus has done, turning water to wine, bringing the dead back to life, healing the sick, feeding thousands with five loaves and two fish and performing exorcisms. Jesus was a priest, prophet and king. There was no limitation to his abilities. I believe he was the best psychologist especially with how he dealt with the scribes and the Pharisees when they tried to discredit him. And is it not amazing when we think of it, what we as mankind have been capable of doing ever since Jesus came and resurrected? Even today in the twenty first century from our mind and creativity, spirituality, medical, technology and so much more than we could ever believe we are capable of doing, like the knowledge to travel to out of space. Jesus said, he prayed to the father that he would send another comforter, that will abide with us for ever. He said he will not leave us comfortless. Jesus also spoke about it being expedient that he go away so that the comfort would come and the spirit of truth will come and guide us into all truth. John16:7,13.

Witchcraft and psychic ability, isn’t that what Jesus was being accused of by the scribes and Pharisees. Jesus did some things that were questionable, his miracles had defied all logic, to the point that he was accused of being belzebub the prince of the devil driving out the devil (Matthew 12:24). The fact that Jesus did miracles and his miracles did not consist of rituals, it was all random acts, I would hope it would be fair to say that rituals began with the law, the time of the ten commandment in the day of Moses. Everything from the rod of Moses and the all the miracles that Moses did to get Israel out of Egypt would be considered some sort of witchcraft and psychic abilities by definition. So as much as we can say that God is the creator of all this, we have to be the discerners of whether it is of God or an illusion of God’s truth by the enemy. Is it not ironic that Moses had the rod and the rod is now considered for witchcraft as a wand. A psychic, (medium) someone who speaks of the future by conjuring up the spirit of the dead. Ezekiel37:1-14 Ezekiel the prophet was told to prophesy to the dry bones to bring them to life that was in the valley. Wouldn’t you consider this conjuring up the dead? Don’t be confused now, because God works in a mysterious way and his wonders to perform.

The trouble that man has with the gift that God gives to us is getting caught up with all the knowledge, wisdom and understanding and forgetting that all these things comes from God and we should not try and play God, but in all things acknowledge Him. Remember for Moses not acknowledging God in the presence of the Israel, he didn’t make it into the promise land (Numbers20:12) This is the balance that we the people need to get to really serve God in spirit and in truth (Mark 12:17) Render to Caesar the things that are Caesar’s, and to God the things that are God’s, couldn’t be more clearer. Exodus 20:4,5 I the Lord thy God is a jealous God. God was talking about praising and worshiping graven images or any likeness of anything in heaven, earth, or in the water, he is jealous of. But not the jealous that we as humans have towards one another, the kind in which we want what someone else has, or believe we should’ve been the one to have it not them, but the jealousy of knowing that something is yours but someone else has robbed you of it, or is giving it to someone else. The human term jealous shouldn’t even be used to define what the interpretation of God towards worshipping or praising other things besides him means for jealousy is a flesh emotion and God is a spirit. From the beginning he said, ” I am the Lord your God, which brought you out of the house of bondages by all miracle that was preformed, you should have no other Gods before me.” He is saying you were in trouble and I came to save you, acknowledge it is I who saved you and no other God. I am the one and true God, there’s no other, so don’t even look or try and create any other. God is truth, and everything about him, even to serving and worshipping him has to be in truth.

The question is if God is truth, why create or let untruth exist? I believe that untruth doesn’t exist for God, only for us. It goes back to the fact that we should not have eaten from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, we couldn’t handle it, it was too much for us.(Genesis 2:17) Witchcraft, Tarot card, Mediums (psychic) , Astrologers, Crystal healing, candles, Quija boards. God created all this, could the usage of it come from the person or persons and their intent whether good or evil? I believe that everything is created for a reason and a purpose and nothing ever started out as being for evil. For example, take a look at a baby you could never imagine that this innocent perfect bundle of joy could one day be a murderer, drug addict, thief, prostitute, pimp, or whatever that just go wrong along the path of their life. We are responsible for everything that God gives us and we just have to choose the way in which we are willing to use it whether for good or for evil. For example the catholic churches, with the molesting of the children and heaven knows what else that is being hidden, and not just the catholic churches but other churches also with0 their scandals, homosexuality and whatever else, the police that are suppose to uphold the law are breaking the law themselves, teachers instead of teaching  are sleeping with and having affairs with their students,  all manner of misconduct performed by people that are to be there for our well being. Food, medication, alcohol, drugs that could all serve for our wellbeing are being misused and abused by us.

I know that evil does exist and that there is good in the world, and the Bible says all things work together for our good for those who love the Lord and are called according to his purpose,(Romans 8:28) For this reason I believe that true discerning is achieved, when it concerns this matter.

In my life, I have never worried about my age like I have now that I am about to turn fifty years old. In the midst of the most holist of season lent, I was born. I’ve always tried to find out why I was so different compared to all my siblings in terms of my personality, and especially when it came to my faith in God. I’ve always believed that for some people they had to find God, but I was born with Him in me and funny thing is that I knew and felt Him within me all my life (Psalm 22:10 I was cast upon thee from the womb; thou art my God from my mother’s belly). I knew that there was a God and I was so bold in my heart, mind, body and spirit that I never wanted anyone to tell me how or what I should do to serve Him because it really used to upset my spirit. God was my imaginary friend and the name I gave him was Father. Anytime I would feel afraid or someone would hurt me, I would call father and He’d come to me like a bunch of bubble lights as I would call it as a child. Today, I know those bubble lights to be called an orbs. When the lights would talk to me it would dim or get brighter and I would never be afraid. Just talking about this makes me cry, because the bubble lights never left me during all this time. I became a woman, wife, mother, grandmother, but most of all a teacher and witness to the existence of God, who always been within and surrounding me.

I often wondered about the state of mind of my parents, especially my mom. Seeing that I don’t really know my mother, I often wonder if she was a praying person, if she even believed in God when I was conceived? I can’t understand why, but both my parents dysfunctional. I was told that my mom didn’t know that the man my grandmother worked for as a maid  was her father and she was his only child and used to pass by his house every day as he’d look at her, hidden behind the curtain of a window just to see her. This went on until he died, then she found out. My grandmother and my mother never had a good relationship with each other, they fought constantly. My grandmother, like me, had four children with four different men, but unlike me, I don’t know if she was ever married. I was never told if my grandfather was ever married, but he was wealthy, he left his house to my mother and it was a mansion, in the eyes of a child. My father was a spoiled rotten love child of my grandparents, who were childhood sweethearts. My Grandmother Hearty as they called her, because she was so quite spoken and very loving to others, was a compassionate woman. You would never think a man like my father could have ever came from a woman like that. On the other hand, my grandfather, from what I was told was like the devil out of hell. He used to beat up my grandmother very badly (domestic violence), cheated on her with other women, he read bad books about evil and practiced it and drank a lot. I was told that because of my grandfather domestic violence to my grandmother, his parents took my father from my grandmother so she can leave him, for six to nine years, I believe, but she didn’t. By the time my father came back to my grandparents from my great grandparents, he was so spoiled as an only child and wanted everything his way, he became a handful for my grandmother, always acting out of control even though he then had other siblings younger than him. Now my grandfather had a firm hand when disciplining my father and my father claims that because he was the darker of my grandfather children, eleven of them altogether, my grandfather would treat him most unkind and beat him up. My father continues to act like a spoiled child even today. He believes that things must be his way and that the world and his own children owe him. My father, like his father, beat up on my mother and cheated on her with other women. But unlike my passive, loving and compassionate grandmother, my mom would fight my dad back like a man. She was tough and crazy I was told and my father feared her. They would fight real bad and love just the same. No one ever wanted to get involved with their fights because after all the fighting they’d be most loving to one another and my mother always got pregnant again after a big fight.

It was twenty-one days to the big one, 50, when I began writing this but it is now 10 days to the big 5-0 as I finish it. I don’t know why it is so terrifying to me. I can only think that it is because I was able to achieve all that I could have and wanted to do in my life, except being famous and filthy rich so I could have married Michael  Jackson. This is it, I could die now at any time, God can call me home and I am ready to go, but if I come before my Lord, can I really say that I am worthy to be in His presence? Matthew 7:21 Not everyone that say unto me Lord, Lord, shall into the kingdom of heaven. I believe that I was trying to live according to the will of God, but was I? I am not a greedy person, neither am I selfish. I would give my life for someone who would just love to be in the place where I am and have hours counting down to the end of there lives and could not with bold assurance say, ‘I am ready Lord.” I review my life and turning fifty is not an up hill battle in age, it is a up hill battle in wisdom, knowledge and understanding, “how well learned am I?” I am talking about my spiritual being  not my physical body. I don’t want to think of the physical body because it would only get me down. Even just the thought of knowing it is slowly but surely deteriorating in some form or the other, back to its original form, like a baby, as it was in the beginning so shall it be in the end, fragile state. We cannot go back into our mothers womb and get the substance we need to renew it, so we just wait it out like a ripen fruit until it dies, the physical body, there’s no fighting it. I’ve matured in so many ways and still have a lot to learn and teach. I ask  God to please don’t take me until I could say:the meaning of life is!!!

Half a century old. It’ like being a year old again for the first time. Starting a new level in life, it feels like being graded. How can I have accepted all the changes and still able to continue? I don’t like changes, but in accepting the fact that God is in control, I’ve allowed changes to change me.” But by the grace of God, I’d say, if it hadn’t been for the Lord, I really don’t know how I would’ve made it through.” I’s seen people younger and older than I, die, fallen victim to physical and mental illness, suicide, or being killed., and I am still here. All I can say sometimes is: it could of been me. I believe that God has a reason and a purpose for each and every one of our lives. Some of us even serve that purpose in life as well as death, to bring awareness to certain situation in life, for example sickness and diseases, domestic violence, and drinking driving, suicide, etc. I’ve often asked God what is my purpose? But then realizing that everything about life is purpose and meaningful, whether good or bad and there is no limitations.

I am so thankful even for the many days I have to talk myself to get out of bed and rebuke the pains and sickness of my body. I’ve sometimes had to be calling my body forth like Jesus called Lazarus out of the grave, lol. It is literal to say as scriptures declares, ” the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” With every pain and discomfort, it makes me realize, without it I would of taken my health for granted.

I feel as though right now I am becoming who I was really called to be or, for lack of a better word, created to be. I am trying to put it in words that make sense. I feel as though I have journeyed from my mother’s womb to a realization of the sense of being aware, aware of God, life and it’s joy and sorrows, good and evil, even to the sense of my deep-rooted fears and emotions that I must confront. But the most important thing is for me, the interpreter of human nature, is to not allow myself  to be confused in battling ignorance of the bad behavior of mankind, that somehow will effect me to the point of resentment, bitterness and hatred towards them and not to judge. To know who I am, if the question was to be asked. Somehow God has opened my eyes even brighter that I could see clearly, my ears sharper that I could hear and my mind, body and spirit can work together in one accord. I feel like I have more accuracy in dealing with life with profound wisdom, knowledge and understanding. I can’t and shouldn’t look back at anything in my life as a regret or failure. Scriptures declare all things works together for good. (Romans 8:28) And also for me to except the fact that when I was a child I did things as a child and now that I have grown I have to put away childish ways.(1Corinthians13:11) “I AM BLESSED.”

No longer shall I live in regrets of my life, of the things I’ve wished for, that I could have and, should have done or been. I accept who I am, who’s I am and embrace myself in love and respect for who God has created me to be and I honor it. Yes I do despise the evil that some of us do, but I have the  understanding of it. Psalm 51:5 Behold I was shape in iniquity and in sin did my mother conceived me. But Jesus paid the price for me on the cross and now I am free.

I know if I live with bitterness within me. I will see the world as such and I will be filled with rage and I will be fighting everything and everyone, even the good that would come into my life. There will be no discerning in my life to know the truth, just drowning in confusion. But if I live with love within me I would find the peace and love of God which passes all understanding. Philippians4:7

I’ve learned that I am no perfect, don’t get me wrong, I am only human. I am not all that strong. I make mistakes sometimes I’ve cried. But God knows how hard I’ve tried.

I was on a journey that I had to make alone, without family or friends I had to make this alone. I could hear them crying out, ‘who does she think she is, why did she have to go, did we do something wrong?’ The judgement and the bickering started. I was hurting to hear the things that were being said about me especially with the love I have for each and every one of them. I couldn’t allow myself to be distracted, so I kept on moving forward in fasting and praying. I then started to feel hungry, thirsty, weary and faint. So I turned back for the things that I was yearning for, family and friends, only to realize that  where I was going, they couldn’t go. Like when Jesus had said to his disciples in John 13:36 “where I go you can’t follow me now, but later you will.” They all were my stumbling blocks and barriers to my journey, because my heart was in too deep where they were concerned and I had to loosen the bonds.

For the first time in my life, I got a glimpse of what death was all about, when you have to let go of your love ones. People would always want you to be around, but to serve their purpose . My questions were, “why are you sad because I went away? What have you done or what have you been in my life to serve a purpose for me? What would you do if I were yet still here? Why waste your tears, when you didn’t even care when I was present?”  You tore me down when I needed to be lifted up. I began to see the love hate relationship that we were in and instead of it being about you, I had to go on this journey to find out about us.

In Matthew 10:34-37 when Jesus said, ” Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the world, but a sword to set sons against fathers, daughters against their mothers, daughters-in-law against mothers-in-law; a man’s worst enemies will be of his own house. He that love father or mother more than me is not worthy of me and he that love son or daughter is not worthy also.” So we know that friends could never fit in the category of family, and if family is to be put aside for God, then what gives for a friend? When Jesus said, “Greater love has no man than this , than a man lay down his life for his friends.” John15:13, we are made aware that if it were our family, it would be expected, because blood is thicker than water but, as demonstrated when it comes to family versus friends or stranger in certain situations, there is an importance of sacrifice for a friend as well.

I was filled with rage and bitterness over this situation. I was praying to God and said, “I am tired of people. I’ve spend my whole life trying to please, to be liked and accepted. I’ve care about what they think and feel about me” when I heard a voice said, “let love, all your love pull them to where you are, just as my love pulled you to where you are right now, surrounded in my love and presence.” Now I know what it feels like to be resurrected. The love of God embraced me and purged me of all negativity. How I knew this is because I can feel the change in me. The rage turned into patience and the bitterness into compassion, that can only come from God.

God loves us unconditionally and even though we do wrong, his intentions is not to destroy us, but to redeem us.