The day the music stopped for me was June 25, 2009. I couldn’t believe it: Michael Jackson,  my  companion in the spirit was dead.i always felt like he was a part of me that only God and myself knew. I didn’t believe it, I thought to myself it was a hoax. People just like to start bad rumors. I was in the movie theater watching Paranormal Activity 1 when it first came out; when I got the call. Here I  was thinking to myself saying, something is wrong  and I just don’t know what it is and I kept on feeling sad. The last time I felt like this was when I got the news that my sister had passed. The night he died, I got the call that my niece was in labour and I know my emotion was high because I was in the midst of watching the movie and worrying about how long it would take me to get to where she was. I just started crying and my daughter turned and said to me, “we can leave if you want,” but I didn’t want to disappoint her because it was our family movie day  we did together. In my heart of hearts I felt like there was something really bad has happen, or is about too and I was so worried it may be complications with the delivery. I had kt hustle out the cinema after the movie ended. I threw a few things in a suitcase and was on my way to her. And that night before midnight as I remember, I had arrived. The baby is now all grown up at seven years old is born on June 25, 2009. Michael Jackson was assumed to had been be dead early that afternoon at 2:26pm around the time I started crying for no reason. I got to the hospital by a little after nine and my niece had already given birth a few seconds before.

What brought all of this about is the fact that for the first time since Michael death, I realized that I had stopped watching any music awards shows. I even gave up on wanting to be singer and no longer wanting to be rich and famous. I wanted to be these things so I could be a part in his world so he could trust when I would say I love him that it wouldn’t be because I wanted what he had and represent, I would have have my own. I watch the 2016 Soul Train awards and saw Teddy Riley receive the Legend Award which brought back a lot of memories for me with his music and what broke my heart was to find out after loving Teddy Riley music for so long that he collaborated with Michael on the song that I love the most, that I always felt like Michael was singing to me about our past life together, ” Do you remember the time.” No I am not crazy, I knew him to love him even if he was to be just a stranger I would have met in my life time and he wasn’t rich and famous. There was just something about a kindred spirit connection I felt towards him. People saw the entertainer Michael Jackson I saw a spiritual being full of light in the form of a man and like Jesus, was misunderstood and treated badly. He was a genius, perfectionist and eccentric that tried to fit into a world that he didn’t belong to so much like myself. Michael Jackson, to me, is an angel sent from up above and what killed him, like Jesus, was his love for people. His shy child-like persona was the key to knowing just how innocent he really was. If we could have all gotten close enough to had looked into his eyes we wouldve seen it and yes, even through his temper tantrums. He was a dreamer and to show just how astute he was, if he dreamt it he made it happen. Michael had the ability to tap into the spiritual realm. His music was his ministry and for that reason he was able to reach heights with it through his connection with the spiritual realm unlike any other. When in the studio, on stage or anything with his gift, Michael became like a person slain in the spirit and all that comes out of him was genius.

To me, Michael didn’t come here to work, get married and have child and live happily ever after that’s why it didn’t work out all so well for him. But I truly believe that God had sent him into the world to minister through his music and his life. He wasn’t sent by God for anyone of us to judge him on everything he’d done wrong in his life, but was to touch our life in the way that he did like so many other rich and famous people. God to me allows the good and the bad things that could happen in life to us to shine light of wisdom knowledge and understanding for those who are capable to discern so he can use us as teachers or even prophets. It is for me all part of God’s plan. Michael’s life to me depicts the story in the bible of Joseph, his brothers and the robe of many colours given to him by his father; their jealousy towards him for the love his father had for him and being accused of being a dreamer and not a prophet was almost killed for it and instead was thrown into a pit and then sold into slavery (Genesis 37) Even being thrown into prison for being wrongfully accused of a crime he didn’t commit (Genesis 39:7-20). It was written Genesis 39:5-6 The house of the Egyptian was blessed for the sake of Joseph, he was a goodly person and well favoured by the Lord.

I love this man for reasons unexplained. To his family, they must think to themselves people like me just love Michael Jackson because of his singing, dancing and music, which in some way is the truth, if he didn’t become famous for it, then we would not have known of his existence. They knew Michael Jackson as family, a person not an image, the entertainer, but with his strengths and weakness intimately. But those who has eyes to see, I know I saw, and those who had ears to hear, I know heard. As a child I always wanted to know why didn’t the people know who Jesus was before they crucified him and why they hated him so much for doing good?  And I made a vow to myself that if Jesus was to ever return in my life time I want to be able to recognize him or her and I prayed about it all the time even today for the spirit of truth and discernment. I never want to have ever feel like Jesus was alive so close to me and I passed him by; didn’t even get a touch, so I could be healed.

If anyone here on earth had ever truly experience the power of divinity upon your life like it is written in the Bible you always have oppositions; battles you have to fight you never saw coming for no apparent reason other than the enemy trying to take you down. Think of all the chosen men and women of the Bible always a in a battle within themselves or something on the outside surrounding them. And it all has to do with being a child of God and his righteousness in you. John 16:33 In the world you shall have tribulation; but be of good cheer I have overcome the world. John 15:18-19 If the world hate you, you know that it hated me before it hated you. If you were of the world, the world would love his own, but because you are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hates you.

I wish people would stop saying he faked his death and that he is still alive, because he’s not. It just goes to show that people have never understood or really taken the time to realize or care about Michael Jackson the person, a human being like themselves with strengths and weaknesses, not just an entertainer; the image. All they ever did was lie and speculate about him. Like Jesus, he wasn’t invincible to the attacks by the evil of the world and not everyone was for him or even cared about him other than what it benefit them and to find ways to bring him down. Whenever they hurt him, it was like hurting me, I felt his pain even today it breaks my heart to hear all the negative things some idiots still have to say and joke about him. I would like to fight them all believe me if I had the power to. I do understand that people who are not for you are against you just for being who you are created by God and you can’t touch everyone’s lives in a positive way like you would want to. But people sometimes got to understand and respect you serving your purpose in the world that God has chosen you for and it may not be to them or for them as they would like; turn away from their hatred towards you, let you serve your purpose and they theirs.

I never got the chance meet Michael in the flesh, but God had allowed me to meet him in the spirit in a dream. There was a website that people could write their condolences for Michael and I stayed up all night after cleaning my daughter’s residence at university and wrote about how Michael impacted my life and the dream I had of him on a retreat. The next day on my way home from a nine hours trip with my husband and youngest child at seven in the morning , the sky was as dark as can be, looked like rain was coming or some kind of a storm. Everyday before my day begins, I start with prayers even when we are on road driving to any destiny I pray. I thought about Michael and said a prayer for him and his family because I knew what it was like to lose a family member I lost my sister the mother of my niece that was in labour. I was praying and meditating on my thoughts and then proceeded to turned on one of Michaels CDS in the car and was listening and jamming to it. But around nine the clouds withdraw and the sun came out and lite up the sky. The clouds started forming figures in the sky. All I am going to say is that the message was clear it was Michael responding to my condolence. I started seeing figures like a heart, microphone, Genie in the sky, like the Aladdin, the symbol of A minus in the form of a Grammy award a dog, chimpanzee all kind of things that I knew all had to do with him  and I started crying there’s no way on earth something like this could be happening or even be possible. My fifteen year old looked out the window and started freaking out saying, “mommy, mommy its really him and my husband trying to stare the car and look at the same time couldn’t see what were looking at in the sky. My son started to crying he said he was just freaked out.

One day again after crying out my eyes over his passing watching his videos was a way of me mourning his death for months. My husband was kind enough along with my children to have bought me whatever CDS or DVDS of Michael Jackson I didn’t have even the new ones that came out after his passing. The stores was selling out his music like crazy. I was so devastated and inconsolable one time  watching one of Michael video the Earth song and my daughter turn to her father and said, “you better console your wife” and with a stern jealous voice he replied, ” she crying about another man for God sakes.” I couldn’t help but pause for a second from my crying and look right at him and said, “but I love him you don’t understand.” He said,” you don’t even know him and he you for crying out loud.” And I told him he was just jealous because I love another man, I love him with the love of Jesus he can’t be hating!

Just recently I after watching the Soul Train awards I started sing again and my desires to become a singer came back, but I don’t want fame, after seeing what it had done to him. I’d rather be in the background writing song for others to sing. If I had the means to do the things Michael had done to his appearance which was a refection on what was going  on the inside, it would be to get a complete mind makeover. My appearance is deceiving for I appear to look good on the outside, but the  brain it’s to complex for this world. I do feel like an outcast, like I don’t belong here in this world because of my thoughts which leads to the way I live and how it affects my life.

 

I remember there was once a time that being mentally ill meant that you were possessed by the devil and it frightened me. Even some illness like being epileptic, having paranoid schizophrenia, and depression long ago had a lot of families looking for priests to do exorcisms. We didn’t have the understanding back then like we do now. Thanks to the study of psychology and how the brain works by neurologists we can now say it is an illness not demonic possession which gives relief to the families and individuals that suffer from it because just imagine your whole entire family being ostracize for being possessed by demons, but remember that demonic possession is real and that not all mental illnesses are truly mental illnesses.

For some people, exorcism did cure them especially if they believe in it. Today it would be considered a psychological breakthrough to the scientists. What people failed to realize is that faith in anything can truly bring about results, whether it is a ritual of some sort, a religious practice or belief, it can work for believer. There are some mental illness for which there is no cure but for which medication is taken in an attempt to suppress it.

I remember it like it was yesterday, when I was just four years old and living with my aunt and uncle. There was this young lady no more than nine-teen years old who had just given birth to a baby boy. I don’t know how old the baby was for I was just a child and a baby is a baby; I didn’t know the difference that a baby could be considered months and days old. Anyway, my aunt and uncle’s friend was a minster and this young woman was demonically possessed and was brought to them for an exorcism. Something happened to her after having the baby that made her look like an old lady. I was a child and remembered the grownups speaking about a curse on her for going with a married man from England, it was supposed to have killed the baby, but somehow it affected her instead and she went crazy. How much of this was truth? I don’t know. It was the first time, as a child, that I ever saw and heard of something so frightening. The woman did look like an old wrinkly woman, but then again all grownups were old and wrinkly to me except children like myself. I saw them perform the exorcism with my own eyes. They stripped her naked and shaved her head and rubbed her down with now what I now to be olive oil. Myself, siblings, cousins and friends, even children of the minister were told to go far way and don’t come around the exorcism for whatever demon or demons on her could affect us and our innocence. But no, like normal kids, when we are told no, in our minds it means until you get caught, we had to be nosey, we went peeking into the church and what I saw give me nightmares. The woman was crying and screaming out like she was crazy and on fire or something and all her skin was pealing like she had bad dandruff of the skin and head; it was very scary. One day I remembered being left alone with this possessed woman. She was laying down in the church and the minster had to go for a few minutes which at that time for a small child who’s afraid it seemed like it was an eternity. I was  waiting for my aunt and uncle to finish speaking to the minister, all the other children were already outside playing. The truth is I wanted to get a closer look at the possessed woman while the grownups were distracted speaking. The woman got up and came to me and said, “hi little one,” and I paused for a second and then responded, “hi” scared out of my mind. She stroked me on the head and said, she was tired and will go back to sleep now. I wasn’t afraid of her anymore as I got to see her so close up, she was nice and polite and soft spoken. For the first time I felt like a grown up, I was left to take care of this lady and she spoke to me like I was a grownup telling me what she was going to do. I told her ok, and asked her if she needed some water to drink and she said yes, stoop down to my level as I give her the water to drink and her hands were shaking. I then realized that not only did she not have any hair on her head but no eyebrows also, first time I ever saw a woman with no hair, completely bald, dressed in what looked like a hospital robe, you know how scary that was for me as a child?

This lady, I found out later, was cured and went back to England. Her hair grew back and her skin was smooth and pale and she looked just like she use to very beautiful a model and the baby was growing well. I never saw her again after that day she had spoken to me, but her sister came over to my aunt’s house one day and told us how she was doing and I remember thinking when I grow up I want to be just like her sister, because her sister was the first woman minister I had ever heard preaching in a church and she was just as good as the men and powerful. She was also so beautiful. She was there for the exorcism and she ministered unto her sister.  I was peeking into the church when I first saw and heard her preaching and anointing her sister.

Now that I am grown I often wonder if she was just suffering from postpartum depression. And maybe the man lied to her and she only found out he was married after giving birth to her baby and she went into a deep depression. But I know what I saw and I can’t get it out of my mind, she was old looking and frightening, but after what seems like days or weeks of her being in the church, she was back to her self again. I could say it  was some form of possession because how could she have looked the way she did and then go back to being normal and beautiful? To me being so young it was said that children can sense things spiritually that some adults can’t and I felt something about her that frightened me, something evil and very disturbing.

Mental illness today is on the rise and what does it all mean? Is demonic possession affecting everyone and we don’t know it? Every century or millennium I believe when spiritual warfare begins it is because of changes in the realm of the universe energy which affects the world and everything within it. It’s like everything is out of control without  discipline, the balance has been disturbed because of change. It is faith in God that brings about the restoration of balance. Whenever we start moving away from God by doing our own thing I the midst of the change (growth), we begin to revert into the garden of Eden where Adam and Eve fell short where they were tempted to eat the apple by the devil so they can become like God. (Genesis 3:5) We are not to move away from God, but like Jesus become one with him. Moving away from God causes a disturbance and it all started with the devil when he moved away and in so caused us to also move away and has been causing this tug of war for millennium. Jesus being crucified is the mediator for now until his return to abolish the constant fighting and the balance is completely restored.

There was once a time where scientists believed that we walked on all four before we stood upright and that hair covered our entire body. We were a kind of  ape first then evolved, and whatever we didn’t need for our body, like the hair, our toes that were too long and so on with all kind of crazy ideas like the reason we are smarter than the apes or any animals is because our brains are bigger than theirs. So my question to them is because we have evolved once again and with technology this time that all things we used to do with our big brains we no longer need to because of it, is that why the development of our brains are lacking and so many of us is suffering from mental illness from a scientific point of view?

We can also consider some of the things that is affect the brains with mental illness like whatever chemicals they are putting in our foods, the air that we are breathing with all the pollutions, a high fever, brain damage from an accident, drugs, a tumor or some sort of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). These are all things we can take into consideration regarding why we suffer mental illness. But it all leads up to one thing: possession(the taking control of something).

From fear, doubt, hopelessness, worry, all the way to depression, which led to anxiety and now medication not for me, but meditation for half an hour. Going to church, praying definitely has not been durable and no one is to blame even though I tried to for my peace. So I ask the question,”why me Lord, did I do something to deserve this?” Did I? I kept on repeatedly asking myself in my mind. So I thought to myself, “if I could really be responsible for my own demise then there must be something I can so about it, if it is not the will of God for my life.” I realize that I can’t control others and things around me, but I could control my reactions and emotions to the things and people that it can’t affect me in any way. I’ve tried ignoring it, out of sight means out of mind, I’ve tried confronting it, talking about it, and believing I could let it go and that it would some how miraculously go away…NOT!

I had a dream that I was ministering to people in the same predicament as myself and I was being taught by someone that was telling me exactly what to say, but the voice was in my head. Here is what I was told, “How can you say you want peace, when you refused to forgive, starting with yourself? How can you say you want peace and not recognize you are raging war; your own war? How can you say you want peace when you want vengeance, vengeance upon the ones that hurt you even to say I want them to hurt the way they hurt me? How can you say you want peace when you’ve already prepare yourself for war with anyone who would dare to hurt you again in your heart and mind? How can you say you want peace when you don’t even declare it into your life? How can you say you want peace when you’re anticipating war?  How can you say you want peace, but in your world you’re surrounded by war, the war that within and the war that is without? How can you say you want peace when you can’t let go of the pain that you endure?  Let peace be your dwelling place in your heart and mind not war. Declare, fight, demand, and meditate on your PEACE, peace of mind and peace in your heart.

Matthew 21:19 And when he saw a fig tree in the way, he came to it and found nothing thereon, but leaves only, and said unto it, “Let no fruit grow on you henceforward for ever.” And presently the fig tree withered away. The cursing of the fig tree was it only a lesson in faith or something more sinister?

Just before the cursing of the fig tree Jesus was being hailed by the people, “Hosanna, blessed is he that comes in the name of the Lord,” as he entered the temple where he cast out all that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers and the seats of them that sold doves. And he said, “My house shall be called the house of payers; but you have made it a den of thieves.” (Matthew 21:9-13) When Jesus had finished cleaning the temple of the bad things that was going on in it, the sick came to him to be healed and the chief priests and scribes saw and was very much displeased at the wonderful things that he did and the children praising him for it.(Matthew21:14-16)

Leading up to Jesus cursing of the fig tree, to me, he was not in a good state of mind as to what was going on in the temple with buying, selling and money and then the chief priest and the scribes come to chastise him. I know if it was me, my mind would not let go of all that took place on that day at the temple. It was after all that excitement that he left the temple and went out of its city  into Bethany; Jesus got up that next morning hungry and cursed the fig tree.

I believe that Jesus knew his time was coming soon for him to be crucified and there was in him an anxiety, after all he was part human. All the work he has done and still yet to accomplish before his transition and resurrection, it must have been a load that was weighing heavily upon him. He may have been God in the spirit, but remember the flesh is the greatest battle of tug of war when comes to the spirit. If  I was Jesus, I would have been able to see into the future and know that I was going to be hung on a tree, the very tree that I had created.

To me the fig tree was the representation of the tree of knowledge of good and evil in the garden of Eden (Genesis 2:17) Jesus who was able to feed thousands with two fishes and five loaves, who performed so many miracles couldn’t make figs grow from a blossoming tree being hungry? Things to make you ponder, I would say. This was a teaching of faith, but also boldness; to conquer anything and not to fall into temptation easily like Adam and Eve did. Jesus is not a man like Esau that being hungry would make him lose control and give up his right(Genesis 25:30-34) A hungry Jesus? Scriptures declares in John 4:32-34 Jesus said, “I have meat to eat that you know not of. My meat is to do the will of him that sent me and to finish his work.” Jesus doesn’t hunger or thirst for food or drink, but rather than to do the will of his Father.

Why then would it say that Jesus hungered and cursed the fig tree when he saw no figs. The fig free was the representation of what went wrong in the garden of Eden with the forbidden tree in the preparation for the resurrection for making things the way it was meant to be. Jesus destroyed the tree of knowledge of good and evil with the cursing of the fig tree by giving us the key of faith that Adam and Even didn’t receive before his resurrection. Jesus conquered the temptation and sin, that which was on the outside and then went into the depth of that which was on the inside.

Because of Jesus we now have what is called the tree of life and all the others we can eat from. The tree of the knowledge of good and evil is no longer a threat as the Our Father prayer says, “Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from all evil.” The hunger that Jesus was experiencing is the manifestation of the desire we all should have when pertaining to the things of God and doing them like Jesus did with a passion and commitment.

 

 

 

 

For the longest while I’ve been asking God to pour me out. I knew I had some good qualities, but I felt like it was being contaminated, or overpowered by some kind of evil that was infecting my spirit. I wanted to be poured out and renewed I wanted only the goodness to remain in me. I felt like there was something inside of me that was not right and holding me hostage, so I would pray, “God pour me out and refill me.” I found in the Bible psalm 51 verse: 7″Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean, wash me, and I shall be whiter than show.” I love reading the entire psalm, but this verse is the pouring out I was asking God. I learned that it was not pouring out that I needed, but rather purging.

The discomfort (the pouring out) that I was feeling after two years has abruptly gone and I now feel empty. I believe that the discomfort that I was feeling was as a result of trying to be perfect in an imperfect world as everything kept coming up short; whether it was being a mom, wife, friend, sister, aunt, family member, and a pastor anything with dealing with others besides myself. I wanted to be pleasing for the sake of following Jesus’s footsteps but was being tormented within my spirit. It was a continued battle within me after seeing how people would hurt me for trying to do good by them. My conscious mind wouldn’t allow me to do wrong not even to lie and be ok by it. The people that I love and care about are unlike me as I  wouldn’t give a excuse for my behavior when I would or might have done something wrong like I do for them. They are always ready to nail me to the cross and not just the people that I love, but human beings period and towards one another. As the saying goes, “faults in others I can see thank God there’s no faults in me.”

I started to resent people for there ingratitude, selfish ways, entitled attitude, ego and their none conscience mind. I am angry because they can’t be like me or see things the way I see it. I love and care too much and my heart is easily broken. I told God unless He makes me like himself don’t ask me to do what he does, not with these people, they are evil. I would not ask for someone to do, be, or say anything I wouldn’t do, be or say myself. I like to be in control, because I consider myself to be a person of integrity. I love Jesus and all of my life I wanted to be like him, only to realize that I was being like him in suffering by the hands of the ones I  love and trying to save. The difference is I don’t have his power to sustain, I broke and now I feel so empty. I can’t even pretend that I could do it, I know just how much my heart can take and my emotions will allow, I am broken.

Like the story of Job even though I’ve felt like I lost everything, I never give up on my faith in God. And also like Jonah I am too angry to want to help people any more, “God it’s your people only you can help them, I am not worthy right now.” I felt like I no longer wanted to be around people. The reason is that I have natural instinct is to want to love, help and nurture anyone in need and I can’t take people hurting me.

I felt like I needed balance; like maybe I should go on a retreat or something. I was hurting physically as well as emotionally and I was entrapped in my pain. My pain continues to rape me day and night that it also consumed my thoughts, even my dreams at nights. And I cried out to God, “I need you, oh how I need you Lord!” I’ve been watching my Bishop Td Jakes , praying, fasting and Bishop messages every week I felt like his messages were God talking to me through him, and I got it. The pain finally went away and one day I heard a voice whisper, “you’re empty now!” I said, “speak Lord, for thy servant hears you,” and voice responds, “you’re empty, so that means you’re ready to eat now.” All that popped in my head at that moment is not all foods are good for every and anyone and I felt at peace in my spirit and the story of Jesus as he fed the people with the two fishes and five loaves John6:9

I always wanted to be poured out and I don’t really understand  why I felt like that and it wouldn’t let up in my spirit. But now I understand I was only hungry for something new within my spirit that God was already working on. 2Corinthian 5:17 Therefore if any man be in Christ, his a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. And I would add, “for such a time like this, what is going on in the world today.”

 

Just by the one-time visit I had with this doctor, followed by a cancellation at the last minute without explanation should have said it all: there was going to be problems. At first I thought good, this will give me time to make up my mind  about whether or not I wanted to do the surgery or even to have a second opinion about it. But no, I was just so  thankful after waiting for what seems like forever to see a doctor for my knee and not just any doctor but an orthopedic surgeon. He made it seem like it was going to be an easy procedure, that I could even be awake if I wanted to. It would take no more than twenty minutes. I had what is called a meniscus tear, which is the rubbery c-shape disc that cushions your knee, so you don’t have bones rubbing against bones and the operation was to remove all the torn pieces and to see really what was causing me so much pain and discomfort.

I call him the devil doctor because when he wrote something on my left ankle to identify the leg he was going to operate on and it looked like a goat with horns and everything, I should have taken a picture. I tried several times was to wash it off my ankle when I’d taken a shower and  sure enough it didn’t come off and the day I forget to take the picture and said it would never come off anyway, I rubbed it with a little bit of soap and it did erase off with no problem. I would never get that moment backs so no picture. You had to see it to believe it. He never stayed around to speak with me after the operation nor to answer any concerns. I did not even get a call from his office to see how I was doing. No bed side manners at all for a doctor.

For seventeen years he’s been doing this, I’ve looked him up to see if anyone had any comments about his abilities and I just found one. That was a red flag, but it had a big thing on how many languages he can speak. I thought to myself, “who gives a shit, are you kidding me?!” I should have done my research, he’s a doctor quack, that’s why no one comments on him, if they ever had him. He said to me, ” if I feel good don’t even come back and see him after the operation, for real? I told this incompetent idiot, “I really want to say a bad word right now again,” I have a condition called Fibromyalgia, a chronic disorder characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain, fatigue and tenderness in localized areas of the body. It’s been three weeks since the operation and I am still in pain and the knee is still swollen.

I am only going to see him again because I sincerely believe in my heart that he has no idea about how to treated a patient who come to him with this chronic disorder Fibromyalgia, so I want to educate him a little so someone else like my self wouldn’t end up in his care and feel like they made the biggest mistake in their lives.

I’ve realized through this doctor that it is not in man you have to put your trust in when it comes to really having to trust a doctor to do surgery on you. You have to pray God will be overshadowing him in the surgery before these fools kill you. I find that some doctors today don’t become doctors because they have a call and a passion for healing, but for money and that’s all. I must have had several surgeries in my life time and four iof which were for the birthing of my children via C-sections. Today I could only count three of the doctors that I’ve encountered as being called and having a passion for healing. One doctor left something in me, another tried to kill me and my child, misdiagnosed by another and the list goes on. If was not for prayers and the Holy ghost intervention I would be suing a lot of doctors or my family would have to for wrongful death. God has always showed up for me in my times of troubles and for these doctors also I must say. Because of them I know that I am the Lord’s anointed, because I should have been dead a long time ago leave up to them.

This was just my knee and now I know why when the people were on the cross they broke their bones by the knee so that they died faster, because bone pain in the knee is like getting shocked by electricity until you pass out. That’s what the pain in my knee felt like without morphine. I hate taking pain medications period especially the ones that makes you dizzy. All my life I could endure pain, suck it up, and be strong, but this time for the first time in my life as long as I could remember it felt like a shield that protected me from pain whether emotional or physical was torn down. And in my life I’ve been through all kinds of pain that would have  made some people mental, looking for some sort of escape, whether drugs and or want to suicide themselves. All I knew was there is a God, I was born with this knowledge and he would make everything alright. The endurance was never for or about me. I didn’t have father or mother so it was about my younger and older siblings and towards the unborn children I knew I was going to have one day. Nothing ever penetrated my shield until my children all grew up and some even have kids of their own. Thank God I was still able to look after some of them before this disease completely took over my life (chronic pain) it brought me to my knees, emotionally and physically where I cried out I couldn’t take it anymore I need something to help me after this operation.

Less than twenty-four hours after day surgery I ended back in the hospital, in so much pain that I was about to pass out. My blood pressure went down so low for someone in pain, I just couldn’t bare it, I was also nauseated by the pain. I had to be hooked up to  intravenous medication and given nausea meds also to help. This was the worst operation ever, I thought to myself. But then an epiphany hit me, it was the first operation I ever had and had no one to worry about besides myself. I didn’t have anyone or anything I’d have to suck it up and be strong for anymore, just me, it’s now all about me and I couldn’t be strong for myself. I have given all that energy to everyone I love when they  needed it most so they were all strong, but couldn’t reciprocate back to me. I realized through them that being me is a gift to them and they aren’t like me, it is my anointing having being able to give out energy, but only able to receive back from God. It is my calling and my passion, to serve.

 

 

How do I know that she is real?  It is because she is me. I can’t explain it but I feel like my spirit wants me to relive this experience I had with Mary once again.  I saw her in a vision on a retreat; my spirit reflecting back at me as if I was looking in a mirror. Mary had no color to her skin, she glowed like radiating light and the clothes she wore were the color of the sky: blue. And as she placed the infant Jesus in my arms without saying a word, but by telepathy she said, “I give you the world in your hands, take care of it”. I held the baby in my arms and looked at it. He also was radiating light with no skin color. She took off her crowns, it was three of them attached to one another, a crown of heaven, of earth and of the crucifix. And from that moment everything about her was revealed to me,  it was like we became one.

This experience for me was like something out of science fiction movie, all this was taking place in the sky on a floating cloud surrounding by a brilliant glowing, warm, peaceful and tranquil light. The atmosphere was cereal you could feel the presence of God, like I guess what happened to Moses on Mount Sinai.

I did not have a near death experience where there was evidence that I was pronounced dead by a licensed physician, but I died. I saw myself in a tent in what looked like the desert or some sort of wilderness like in the movie the Ten Commandment where Moses was in the scene with Jethro his father in-law and the other men counting money and speaking about choosing a wife. I was there with two other persons dressed in gleaming white attire sitting on the bare floor. It looked like the gleaming white attire was changing from being white to seeing our skeleton bones, which didn’t seem to make any sense. This took a few minutes, it was like the flickering of lights on a Christmas tree. With every blink from light to darkness, there was a change. Finally only the skeleton was left and I felt like the light, the gleaming white light, was pulled out of me by the center of my chest, known as the Heart chakra and I started floating upwards into the sky. I heard a voice saying take as much people with you as you can, especially the dead in Christ. I first started to pull for my family, my children especially, when I was told adamantly the dead in Christ. So I started to pull for everyone I could reach, and I was heading up towards the sun when I looked back and saw all the people coming out of the earth including myself as ray of light floating upwards pass the stars heading towards the sun. We were all the same color of light and from what I saw, it was the color of the sun itself.

This all happened to me after my encounter with the mother of Jesus. What does this all mean?  It meant that I entered into a divine dimension. It enables me to connect with divinity. I have more senses than the normal. Some of us have six senses but I have what might be call complete senses. To have been able to venture out of the earth into the next realm was like what Jesus did on the Mount of transfiguration(Matthew 17:1-8). Ever since this encounter I feel more and more like I don’t belong here on earth, because my thoughts are not like others and my emotions are also so different. It’s been twenty-two years since I’ve had  this experience and every so often I’ll find myself slipping in and out of my connection. This world is meant to be the way it is for a reason, I believe I  am hear for a specific reason as well.

 

 

Mother Mary our First Lady and Queen of the world. Mary is queen of the world simply because even though she was espoused to Joseph here on earth, God is her rightful husband in Heaven. But in respect to the laws and  customs, Mary had to have an earthly husband. How else could what was born of her be a King and the heir to the throne of the earth and in heaven? Remember that God is njot like us and his rules don’t apply to himself, it is for us to obey and for good reason. When comes to God, well, He can do anything; even make the impossible, possible. (Isaiah55:8-9) For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, says the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Nothing much is said about Mary in the Bible other than she was a virgin and an angel of the Lord came to let her know that she was chosen to conceived the Son of God while being engaged to Joseph. She accepted to be the mother of Jesus, went and visited her cousin Elisabeth, who was pregnant at the time with John the Baptist. That is all the information we got about Mary. Now where did she come from? Who were her parents and why was she chosen? What was so special about her? These things and more seems to be irrelevant to us in the bible, but they sure are very much relevant to God, because she served a mighty purpose and destiny in bringing forth not just a child, but the son of God. To be acknowledged by the angel (Luke1:28-29) Hail, thou art highly favoured, the Lord is with thee, blessed art thou among women. And when she saw him, she was troubled at his saying. (You see why I would ask the questions wanting to know more about her? Who would see a angel and be worried about a question the angel asked you and not freak out about the fact an angel is standing before you talking? What manner of person speaks to an angel like it is a normal thing to do or encounter without being afraid, freaked out, forget about what he saying or what is the meaning of it is? And ask her mind what manner of salutation this should be.

Everyone in the bible that has been touched by God in some ways, never remained the same. Think about this, one of the most relevant change in the old testament that ever happened to someone after an encounter with God was Moses. He came down from Mount Sinai after fasting and praying for forty days and nights speaking with God and receiving the Ten commandments his face was shinning so bright that he had to wear a veil. (Exodus34:28-35) If Moses face changed so drastically from being in the presence of God, just imagine what it must of been like for Mary to have that which was holier than thou (divinity) growing inside of her. It had to have been more than her looks that was affected by the presence of divinity being in her. Pregnancy changes everything about a woman mentally, physically and emotionally, so just think about it, what kind of divine metamorphosis Mary must of gone through being pregnant with Jesus.

We have a tendency to worship people who are rich, famous, high social status, and ‘royalty’. Even those who have in no way done anything to help us in our lives. They may have just gotten married or born into rich or famous family and don’t contribute anything to society. The worst is to see some people screaming and fainting over their favorite singer, movie star or sports team and players. What we forget to realize is we are paying these people for their services; it is not given for free and yet we worship them. We are not to worship or have any other Gods before the one and only true God. Yes, some of us do have other Gods such as our families, material things, money, and whatever we put before God in our lives. We are not in anyway righteous and perfect we have all sinned and come short of the glory of God therefore we should not put each other on a pedestal or have high expectation, we are all flawed, that’s why it is important to look to Jesus.

Who God bless no one can curse. As for Mary, scriptures declare she was blessed and full of grace so no one has the right to judge her worth in Christianity. When I’d hear people saying things like “where in the bible does it say to worship Mary?” It was never said to worship anyone in the bible beside God. But we can ask anything in the name of Jesus. The prayer of the Rosary is all in the bible I don’t understand why anyone will have a problem with  it or giving Mary some sort of honor for after all she is the mother of the son of God and knew it was all and will always be about God. People who speak about Mary’s role should read (Luke1:46-55) It’s all about God.

Look at you people who worship your churches, pastors, and ministers whatever you call them and completely forget that they would not be able to do what they do without the anointing of God and that they themselves are servants of God. Even to your own the interpretation of the bible and the like the Pharisee and scribes you all know so much that you will judge wrongfully once again Jesus himself standing in your presence, because you know too much, more than God. You all put burdens on these servants of God that they can’t carry, as if they can’t do wrong and then worshipping them as being like  God. Yes I do understand it is hard to give glory to that which you can’t see, remember God knows that too, it is all about faith, but no man is worth being treated like a God, its just wrong. Take a look at the book of Acts14:8-15 After Paul healed a man that was born crippled in the city Lystra. The people started to worship Paul and Barnabas like they were Gods come down from heaven. They ran out among the people and tore their clothes saying, “we ourselves are only human beings like you.” Every true servant of God never takes glory for themselves they know it all belongs to God.

Mary doesn’t only belong only to the Catholic, but they give her great honor adoration and praise. She belongs to every woman and man of God that are in service to God for his greater glory as well as to help his kingdom come and his will be done on earth as it is in heaven, just like she and all others and Jesus do and continue to do in our lives. (Matthew 18:20) Whatever is bind on earth shall be bound in heaven and whatsoever shall be loosed on earth shall be loosed in heaven. If two shall agree on earth as touching anything that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my father which is in heaven. For where two or three are gathered together in my name there am I in the midst of them, says Jesus.

Any servant of God, his saints do deserve honor and respect, from what I do understand, it is given by God in which only a humble mind, body and spirit has the wisdom and knowledge to receive not from man.

Food for thought: if the president wives, kings of the world wives, famous people wives,  the wives of wealthy and the wives of the ministers of well established churches today get so much respect and honor for being there queen or first lady’s. I can’t help but think that in today’s world with so much media and all acess on the internet for coverage of what is going on in the world that if Mary was to give birth to Jesus now, just how famous she would of been today.

 

Whoever can say that God doesn’t hear and answer prayers definitely wasn’t praying long or hard enough. Sometimes it can take decades before God answers your prayers. I am a living witness to this fact, even to prayers I’ve forgotten I had prayed for, God still remembered to answer.

I wanted change in my life from being the kind of person that people take my kindness for weakness and take advantage of me by using and abusing me. I could never believe that someone could always do wrong because I never could. I always believed that the way that I was everyone was also, and the way that I thought and loved everyone did too, or had it in them also. God created us all so why not? I could never accept evil as a permanent in my life, I resented it. I believed being God-like was to love and serve others by doing good all the time no matter what. But there’s only so much the soul can take before it breaks. The spirit is always willing but the flesh is weak as scriptures says.

For this reason, I prayed that God would grant me the spirit of truth and discernment, because I was always naïve when it came to dealing with man. I had such a sincere and innocent trust like a child with an adult where you figure they should know and do better so you look up to them for guidance and protection, trusting that they wouldn’t do you harm. And especially because you know you’re cute and sweet, lol. Everyone loves cute and sweet, loving and kind people right? So I thought. Some people hated me because of it, and I couldn’t understand why. I had no ulterior motives. It is my nature to be sweet, loving and kind, it is not a pretense, I was born this way. I couldn’t control the way I was and it was killing me, mentally, physically and spiritually.

People can be so cruel, especially the ones you love the most, like your family and friends because I would never say no to them and no matter what they’ll do to me I forgive them and continued with love towards them. It was not strangers that I had to pray God for as much as it was to the ones I’d love the most, because of the hurt and pain I had to endure from their actions towards me. It left me feeling stupid and inadequate, because I could never realize they were hurting me. I trusted them so sincerely.

Now I do have to thank God for hearing and answering prayers. I wanted to change from being like that, feeling naïve, stupid and inadequate. I felt like I need to be much stronger to do what God has called me to do in my life, lead. But how can I lead when I am so easily broken? When my emotions always get the best of me? My heart was too great and I believe the devil knew that, so he target me at every point of my emotional weaknesses especially with my friends and family. I had to overcome and relinquish all to God. My heart, mind and spirit all work together in one accord now in allowing me to discern in spirit and truth. God is now the controller of it all. If left up to me, I know I would be making the same mistakes all over again without the Lord’s guidance and protection in my life.

I must admit that when God answers your prayers, you know it because the things you used to do you just can’t do any more. But when I say the word no, the devil always has me questioning myself as to whether it is of God or him. God is definitely with me because something always happens to allow me to know my saying,” no” was for a good reason. This saying no, standing up for myself and not allowing anyone to use and abuse me anymore is still yet new to me. I am still questioning myself if it is wrong and God is still responding to me in by proof of the actions of others, that I am not wrong. God is so patient. I sometimes feel like I am questioning the very thing I prayed for, but even in writing this I know that it is God once again talking to me.

Once you’ve been a certain way for so long when you ask for change and change comes, it seems so incredible that you can’t believe it. I it a blessing and sometimes we have to be careful we don’t curse our own blessings by not having faith or trust that God is able. Satan is a liar and a deceiver so be careful of your thought and draw nearer in prayers and supplications unto God so you can be an over comer.

What you pray for sometimes you get, but be ready recognize it, when you do get it! So be careful not to throw prayers around as a momentary thing, God does answer it for a lifetime. I believe that is why God take so long to answer prayers because he has to see that we are ready to receive it.

I believe that God has called me because of my curiosity about him. I had many questions about God and life and whenever God answered, he wanted me to share the knowledge I’ve learned to the world.

Why leadership? I wanted to change lives in this world, with a leadership like no other. I believe understanding, respect, love, unity as well as discipline without anger, frustration, and revenge would have played an important role. I want to make life better for everyone, but with the help of God, like Moses. Not like what Moses had to go through , but like how God was with him.

The word of God is like a seed planted in my spirit which grows with every level of wisdom, knowledge and understanding I’ve attain. I always believed in the existence of God. I was born with this knowledge and I would never believe otherwise. As a child, I had many questions for God, especially after going to Sunday school and learning about the creation of the world, Adam and Eve, the questions grew even more.

My first questions to God as a child was God who created you, if you created us you must have a mother and a father too? Did I ever get any answers to that? No I didn’t. So I made up in my mind that the sun and the moon are God’s parents. I believed that God was the wind because we could not see him but feel it. When I would look back to how I thought, I was very intelligent for baby. My imaginary friend as a child was God and I would ask him questions like where did the devil come from, who are his parents, why couldn’t they just spank him and he would be good? If Adam and Eve were the only people in the world, where did their children get husbands and wives? Was it their own brothers and sisters that they married? After you had Noah build the ark and destroy the world with forty days of rain, where did more people come from besides Noah’s family and why were their still bad people in the world after that?  Why, after Jesus came, are things still the same? People are still sinning and the world is so corrupted. Why can’t God just kill the devil and make everything better? Why do people have to die and even our pets? Why are there bad people? If it is Jesus’ birthday on Christmas why are we getting presents and not Jesus? Why does God have angels and we don’t?

To all these questions, as I grew older, I began to search for the answers in all religious beliefs and practices read the Bible, was water baptized, fill with the Holy ghost and went on a retreat. I do believe that I was given all the answers, especially when God called me to go into the world and preach what I’ve learned, experienced and witnessed.

If the angel of God didn’t go to Joseph in a dream, he would’ve left Mary at the altar. If Moses didn’t witness the burning bush on mount Sinai he wouldn’t have believed in God. If the disciples didn’t witness the miracles that Jesus had preformed and his resurrection, even to receiving the Holy ghost today, we wouldn’t known anything about that man called Jesus, would we?