I am His (God) Genesis 1:27 God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created he them. Psalm 139:14 I praise thee for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. 1 Corinthians 6:19 “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have recieved from God? You are not your own. Even if we don’t believe in God (atheist) like everything else about life, it’s our choice.

Thank God for the freedom of choice he has given us and yet still loving us even when our choices are against His will. God is still faithful, omnipotent, omniscience and omnipresent.

Who Am I and how do I see myself? I am a temple and also the candle within that God lights up. He’s the fire and my body(flesh) is the wax that slowly melts away by His flame. With God’s touch(fire) I would never be the same. As the flame keeps burning, I’m melting slowly and soon the fire that consumes me, becomes my entire being. No longer am I wax, but burning down to nothing as the flames keep on burning.

If I am to be all I am destined to, I have to fight myself for the battle begins within. I need the fire to keep burning even though I’m melting every second, minute and hour. God’s the consuming fire that burns within me till I am completely emerged into oneness with him, no longer to be seen, but to return from whence I came from the Father almighty God. The candle’s wick, wax and fire is three in one and one in three.

In this life we have what is called our physical body, consider in biblical terms the flesh. The spirit which is the essence, the image of God within us (Genesis 1:27)

Like Job, I watch everything I love and meant the world to me be destroy, dead and stripped away from me. Why would God allow this to happen? Job 13:15 “Though he slay me, yet will I trust, but I will maintain mine own ways before him.” I’ve lost everything and all that was left is my mental and physical health, even that the enemy try to take from me. “If it hadn’t been for the Lord being on my side, who strengthen me.” I would of given up long time, but when I remember storm’s past that I’ve came through, I believed was going to kill me. The pain that has been afflicting my body, distracting my mind to be able to meditate on the things pertaining to God. The lethargic, comatose feeling of the soul has me bumping into everything like the blind in darkness. A touch of my health has left me blind, all I see is pain and not the healing victory. The pain is heighten and like being bound by chains, I am wrestling, but I can’t get loosed.

“Where does peace truly come from?” I had to ask myself. Is it in the things we have in possession or does it come from the wellness of our mind and body? I believe it comes from the mind, body and soul being in one according(working together at the same time and in agreement). That’s why the devil can touch our possessions but not our soul, which belongs to God. I know it’s not going to kill me, but it sure feels like it is trying to. I feel my body is weaken to the point of my conscious my mind, my spirit leaves my body to rise up into the other dimension like the dying of the body and the releasing of the light of God(the spirit, energy of the body) up to heaven, where the peace finally can be attained. Come Holy Ghost fall fresh on me, I prayed. I feel like I need a new body, but this is where the Serenity prayer has given me such comfort. “God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, (my body pain and it’s affect to my mind) Courage to change the things I can,(not allow this pain ruin my life totally, but to take back control and live instead of wanting to die) And Wisdom to know the difference.

Just because you see me smiling and I look like all is well with my soul, it’s because all is with my spirit, but my body’s broken for my sins. Only through the almighty which moves within me keeps me joyful and no one has to see my face looking sad and depressed. Each day is a blessing to be alive and I would battle through it to stand knowing that God is with me through it all. To see me is to see the Father; it’s through Him I can stand and be all I can.

We see people who has their well being and maybe doesn’t even realize how they take it for granted to live without anguish. But for those who do like Paul with the thorn in his flesh 2 Corinthians 12:7-9 keeps us grounded in faith knowing that it’s through the almighty we do all things that are impossible and not we ourselves. We must not think to much of ourselves especially if we ever get tempted by the devil. God is not in the business to hurt us so we can serve him, it’s our pains and sufferings that draw us willingly to get to know him when all else has failed us.

I never been so angry, but Scriptures declares, “be angry but sin not,” Ephesians 4:26. I always felt like I am having an outer body experience when I allow myself to lose control in anger and like a whisper in my ear I would hear these word to snap out of it.

But who are the dogs and the swine Jesus is speaking about? He’s not speaking literally about animals, but it is a metaphor for the behavior of certrain people without categorizing it as the natural being of a person, but the mindset of a an individual. Dogs back in those days wasn’t treated the way they are today, as one of the family, and pigs was a forbidden unclean animals. To be called a dog or a pig is an insult, to be put down to the lowest. Dogs and pigs are animals and what value can they possibly have with that which is holy or pearls? Absolutely none, so sometimes having to deal with certain individuals in a Christian way is the same.

The thing that can push me to such anger is when I am for peace someone is for war. Many times I constantly have to remind myself I am a Christian and I believe it not fare when my opponent doesn’t share the same values and I can’t fight them on the same level of understanding. It’s hard enough when fighting within your own family knowing their strengths and weaknesses through knowing yourself, than with a stranger you don’t.

As a Christain I want to love and treat everyone the way I want to be treated. I’ve had to learn the hard way that everyone is not like me, whether Christian or not. It frustrates me because I feel like I need not only to be Christian, but a psychiatrist and a spiritual one also to understand and deal with certain individuals without letting it get to me. As human beings, we really have some serious issues only God could have mercy for. I now understand what Jesus ment when he said, ” give not that which is holy unto dogs, neither cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and tear you to pieces.” Matthew 7:6 Because people can take your kindness for weakness by trampling over your heart and breaking it into bitter pieces.

Ephesians 6:12 (NIV) ” For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the ruler, against authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.” We are told to put on the Armor of God. The Armor was given to us by Jesus when he said to come follow him. When Paul through the power of the Holy Ghost wrote this he knew that we we have to be a warrior to stand as a Christian. Whenever I get angry I am aware of what it is I am truly fighting against, especially when it keeps provoking my spirit to anger to say or do something I’ll regret.

Matthew 5, every time I read this chapter I wrestle with God. Why will God want me be like this when he’s made me a warrior in the spirit for righteousness. I want to fight, I can’t sit back and allow the enemy to use that which God has given me to be his chosen as a weakness to destroy me and make me confused. Matthew 5:9-10 “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God.” It gets me every time when I am for peace and they are for war. Then I want to put God down for a moment and pick up the devil if you understand what I mean. “Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” When I feel persecuted for doing that which is righteous my heart is so broken, I want to get even, and vengeance is what my emotions cries out. I know scriptures declares vengeance is the Lord’s but sometimes in weakness I have no faith to be patient. I want to rip out their heart like they did mine. It’s about love, doing God’s will in love.

Matthew 5:38-48 “Turn the other cheek, love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute the you. That you may be the children of your father in heaven. Be therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect. Thank God for sending the other comforter (John 14:16) after Jesus on the Day of Pentecost (Acts 2) Because like Peter in(Matthew 14:28-31) without it we would not be able to stretch forth our hand to Jesus to walk on the water and not sink, even in a storm. Peter learned to remain walking on the water(faith) with the help of the Holy spirit. It took the death and resurrection of Jesus to have us all like Peter even to this present day to walk on water(metaphor) even when the storm is all around us. Thank you Lord!!!

When Jesus ascended to heaven, sat on the right hand of God the Father, we are now capable with His advocacy and intercession through the power of the Holy Ghost to stand in righteousness. Jesus knows sometimes it can be so difficult especially when temptation and weaknesses over comes us. We have the abilities through faith in Christ to do what’s impossible.

Casting pearls to swine and give not that which is holy unto dogs, lest they trample them under their feet and turn again and rend you, (KJV) No longer a concern, for everything that has breath will praise Him (Psalms 150:6) Romans14:11 (KJV) For it is written, ” as I live, says the Lord, every knee shall bow to me, and every tongue shall confess to God.” Isaiah 45:23-25 Before me Every knee will bow; by me Every tongue will swear. They will say of me, “in the the Lord alone are deliverance and strength.” All who have raged against him will come to him and be put to ashame. All the pigs and dogs will now be under subjection to the will and power of God.

Acts 9 In the Bible, Paul(Saul of Tarsus) was struck blind by a light from heaven on his way to persecute Christians. Three days later his vision restored and was restored by a Christian. The same Christian he was on his way to persecuting, ironic isn’t it? God has a sense of humor!!!

How many of us like Saul needs to be blinded so we can see. Paul was blinded for three days like Jonah was in the whale belly. It makes the mind wonder about the supernatural transformation of the spirit that goes on in those three days. Could it be a dimension that is traveled into for those days, a downloading of information and works that’s done in the heart and mind through God?

I know for myself to keep focus on God I have to be blinded by the things of the world because there are certain things that can be a distraction. What the eyes see the heart grief and can became an obstacle that weakens me. As the Bible says, “be in the world but not of it” 1John2:15

Blinded, deaf, mute, and lame, sometimes it’s a physical impairment or a spiritual one. In the Bible Jesus came to be the sacrificial lamb to take away our sins, he healed multitudes that had these impairments. A touch from Jesus awaken their spirit; like he did Paul, he turn around their lives and have them follow him by faith and his works. Paul blindness was not due to a physical impairment, but rather a spiritual one. When his sight was restored he no longer wanted to persecute Christians. Remember also these physical impairments are the results of sin. God is not hurting us so we can follow him. He’s healing us so we can be build up faith that he’s a God of love, mercy, and compassion for us all.

We may have certain impairment according to Paul 2 Corinthians 12:1-10 A thorn to humble us in knowing, if it hadn’t been for the Lord who was on our side and not we ourselves can take the credit, especially for those things that are impossible for us. God is so good!

Pray that God opens our blind eyes that we can see, see truths, see beyond the darkness and bitterness that sometimes over Shadows our lives. Open our ears to hear Him and him alone speaking to us not the lies of the enemy, and the distortions of sound doctoring. Open our mouth and fill it with good food in which to eat so we can speak love, truth and righteousness and our Lame legs to walk; to walk in the path of righteousness.

Understanding the levels of spirituality is like going to school, first you start with kindergarten, elementary, high school, all the way to university. It is also like life which is about age and the different stages. God who created the entire world and every human being and things in it, good and bad; right and wrong and the many faiths(belief), there’s really only one (the existence of God and our relationship with him) and it takes wisdom, knowledge and understanding to get it. “What?” you maybe thinking! As for all you devout religious people, God forbid, cause you know for sure your was according to your belief is the right and only way according to your books that are written. Especially our brother Jews, Christians and Muslims. You Christians(to be Jesus like) you are the last on the religious level and before you get all crazy remember your book declares the last shall be first and the first last (Matthew 20:16). You are last because of Jesus being the answer to all the hidden mysteries of God and his salvation for humanity. You are at the university level when you can comprehend Jesus, Buddha, Confucius and Mohammad are all one coming from one.

Before books(word of God like the Bible) was written God existed. How did we know God existed? It is written within in the heart and mind as a yearning in the soul. Some people were born knowing the existence God throughout the ages before documentation existed. Sin has drawn humanity so far from God that it took God all kind of creative ways to draw man back to him. That’s where levels came into play. And the levels passes from generation to generations. The first level began with all humanity who’d believed in God even though there way of beliefs and practices of worship differs from what one another would consider normal or right way of, it’s still faith in God. Jesus said faith small as a mustard see can move mountains Matthew 7:20. Aĺl different paths, but it all leads to one God a way of connecting to the divine, not visible. When God can’t be tangible, imagination runs wild, like a child’s to fulfill.

Judge not, that you be not judged(Matthew 7:1-3) Why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? This is to all the Christians of different denomination that criticizes and hate on one another. What level are you on to be like that. We blame God for sin still being in the world when we ourselves with all the lesson documented for us to reference and learn, it is our choices and stubbornness that has us remaining in sin.

If all things work together for good Romans 8:28 Think of this for a moment, good and bad exists for a reason. Remember it says “All things,” no exceptions. Genesis 50:20 Joseph said to his brother, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, saving of many lives.” Joseph had to suffered bad to accomplish good and for him to even acknowledge it, we know what level he’s on. We should imitate him.

There’s no strengthen and weakness when comes to spiritual level, just purpose and destiny. There’s yearning of faith and trust in God we must be able to walk in, like all men and woman in the Bible called by God, beginning with Noah. Moses has proven this fact by not knowing anything about the God of Abraham even to who he truly was, not an Egyptian Prince, but a slave chosen by God to set his people free from bondage.

What level are you on when you could forgive others, love your neighbors as yourself, do good and be good at all cost, to stand in the righteousness of God even when persecuted?

Lets begin with Sarah, Abraham’s wife who believed she was too old to have a child and laughed when the angel came and told her husband Abraham she was going have a baby, a son in her old age. Genesis 18:6-15 The story of Sarah always depicts her as woman that was inpatient to wait on God to have a child and like Eve in the garden of Eden she give her husband a bite of a forbidden fruit her servant an Egyptian to sleep with and conceive. Abraham took Sarah servant Hagar as she had requested, slept with her and she conceived, which brought about sadness and turmoil for both Sarah and Abraham. Hagar conception made Sarah felt belittled and she blamed Abraham when it was her idea to take Hagar her servant to have a child, so they fought, and Hagar ran away pregnant, Genesis 16.

Even with everything bad happening surrounding the situation of Sarah infertility, we can see that both Sarah and Abraham loves each other very much. Sarah made a sacrifice of selfless love for her husband to give him a child, but the cost was more than what she can bare. No woman back then or now in this present day would be emotionally okay with the husband they love sleeping with another woman having a child. There are certain things we are just not willing to share, so we can see in her actions her love for Abraham. And Abraham obedience to his wife was not about getting with a younger woman to sleep with, but maybe a hope of an answered prayer that the woman he loved came up with such an idea to give him an hier, it must be God he probably thought. God never told Abraham the nation will come through his wife , but rather through him, so he was willing to recieve his promise, Genesis 15:1-5. All that had happened to Sarah and Abraham was nothing but the devil you’d think, his temptation and deception. God is omniscient, he already had a plan to deliver them from their situation, because He new of the strong bond and love those two had for each other. When Hagar ran away she met with an angel that told her to go back to her mistress Sarah, and submit to her, Genesis 16:7-9. We know for sure Abraham loved Sarah very much because he told Sarah to do whatever she want to Hagar, the mother who’s carrying his first and maybe his only promised child. What if her intent was to kill Hagar to ease her pain of being despised by her, Genesis 16:5-6 If he loved Hagar he would of tried to protect her from Sarah wrath.

Sarah wasn’t moving the hands of God or lacking in faith. It was logical for her to see the impossibility of her now passed menopausal that she was not going to conceive. God understood her suffering and desperation to bring about his purpose for their lives. We can’t get it confuse when it said, “wait on the Lord” because it doesn’t necessarily means do nothing and the blessing will fall from the sky. Sometimes it’s in our actions that God sits back and watches as we try hard to be obedient and do His will, that He will bless our efforts in faith.

Let’s talk about Job wife. Job 2:8-10 “Are you still maintaining your integrity? Curse God and die!” Is she not going through a mental break down or is this a possession by the devil disguised as mental illness? Look at what caused Job’s wife to snap, Job 2:7-8 Job lost everything and now he’s about to lose his health. Job’s body was afflicted with painful sores from the crown of his head to the soles of his feet and he took a piece of broken pottery and started to scrape himself with it as he sat among the ashes. When I visualize Job sitting among the ashes according to the NIV Bible I could see why his wife snapped cause it’s like your house caught on fire and everything, children, animals, servants all burned to the ground and all Sarah could see is the hopelessness shecfeels within herself reflecting in her husband who’s sitting in the ashes of the burned house picking through everything like if he could find something of value to hold on to. Her spirit crying out why God, why did this had to happen? In anger and frustration instead of yelling and sreaming out her pain and dispair to God she attacks what looks like Job hopelessness in not being able to do anything about the situation. Maybe Job faith was what brought them out of many things and now for the first time nothing it seems he could do is working to fix it. If Job’s wife was faithless and didn’t love him there was no way he could of have it so good and has been chosen by God for such a task. His wife also who was faithfull and love God and Job very much who had pure heart and mind, lost everything else she loved, why then the one and only thing she had left she would want dead. Was her statement about Job or herself? After all flesh of her flesh and bones of her bones they both are as husband and wife. She wanted to die and wished for it, because for the first time in her life with everything going on she lost faith cause things had gotten so bad. Could it had been that she was the weaker in faith?

When we get married we become one flesh, that when Job flesh was touched in his infirmities right away it hit his wife as if his flesh (body) was to cry out to him,”can’t you see I am in pain, do what you must to release me from this pain, even if it means to die.” Was his wife actions crying out to him in desperation. This is connected only through the pure and righteous love you have for one another that comes from God. I believe the devil couldn’t do anything to Job wife, her love for him was the weapon. The devil also was trying to use Job’s love for God to hurt him. When Job spoke these words to his wife in her bitter anguish, “You are talking like a foolish woman. Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?” Job 2:10. To me I understand Job spoke as though she should of known better and she was not being her true self, “snap out of this, you know God, this is not like you.” This is one of the greatest lesson in how to be angry and sin not.

Love can be a battle field, and for the sake of love there should never be a villain only a lover as these saints has shown us.

So the Bible declares “thou shalt not commit adultery” Exodus 20:14. Adultery, to me means lacking the ability to be committed truthfully and honestly in an intimated relationship, easily distracted and tempted to give up on being one with whom you specifically promised to be faithful and true to. It’s like being naked and totally exposed to a multitude of people, when you’re reserved to be seen only by one person. As Christians we are told to love everyone and some people take it to the extreme with sex. Fornication synonym for adultery is sex and all about sex. Adultry cut the cord of marriage by stripping the moral values on which it is built. We are not to be lead so easliy by temptation, resist the devil.

Nothing in this life is forever because at one point in time things decay, get broken, fall apart, and as a living being there are illnesses, growing old, or getting accidently hurt, and death is inevitably. Being in love is no different it doesn’t last not the way it started off for many. We can never say we’ve fallen in love by accident, now can we? Because at the time it’s real or so we believe. When we, lust, get infatuated and have a crush on someone, all these emotions clouds your mind to the reality of what true love is all about. In this life if you do find true love, both partners have to be great warriors to stand and maintain that love no matter what. What is true love? True love or real love as it is called in today’s complexed world it depends on the person. But according to the Bible 1Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient, love I kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it s not proud. It is not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves. Love never fails

Genesis 2:24,(As interpreted) That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh. Come on now, this is not God speaking a prophetic word talking about leaving mother and father God is the father and mother to Adam and Eve after all they are first people. It look like someone just threw that in there to make a valuable foundation on which a marriage stands. The word marriage is no where written in the Bible, in the beginning with Adam and Eve in the garden when God created them. Mark10:7-9. Why did God allowed polygamy? 2 Samuel 12:8 say that God gave David wives. Genesis 2:24 God intented for one man and one woman to be married to each other for a life time. Matthew 19:8 Divorce is allowed because of the hardness of the heart of man.

Polygamy was abolished by God I believe because of David, David the man after God’s own heart who killed a man for his wife whom he’d got pregnant (2 Samuel 11). I believe back in those days people could marry, be with whosoever you wish or was given in marriage. Abraham, Moses, Jacob, Esau, Solomon and Elkanah just to name a few in the Bible that had more than one wife. But David whom God loves because he also loved and trusted God not only did he committed adultery against Uriah, he broke the bond between him and God by him breaking not one but a few of the Ten commandments when God had provided him with everything he could ever want. David became like another Adam. Even though he had such an intimate relationship with God, and God give him everything, like the eating of the apple his disobedience cost him to fall though he was so blessed that it affected everything he loves. Adam wasn’t hungry he need not to have eaten the apple. God warned him of the consequences and the Lord had provided his every needs and wants like He did David’s there was no need for his sin.

Not everyone has a specific calling on their lives by God to do mighty things through Him and when you’re like that, now He puts a hedge of protection around you because of David and Adam so that devil can no longer get to you without His permission like Job 1:6-10. We are now also taught to resist the devil and he will leave you alone (James 4:7)

Lesson to be learned about adultery, if you can’t be committed truthfully and honestly to the one you proclaim to love and cherish to whom you can see and touch, how then can you be committed to God?” God wants us to stand strong in the little things in which He blesses us with so we stand mighty in the big things He has prepared for us (Luke 16:10) “Whoever is faithful with very little will also be faithful with much.” God was for Adam, his help mete, but in the spirit. Adam wanted someone more like himself cause God wasn’t enough, so God granted him his desire and look what happened. But God is still good and faithful, cause after all we are still here, the great fold with Noah, He didn’t give up on humanity and today some still can’t get it. When we proclaim we are Christian, we have to be like Jesus. To be seen and our actions has to be that of Christ himself. “God calls us to a higher standard of living!”

It is now April 26, 2019 and I am going over the reality in my head, you have passed away. I can’t get the grip of it in my mind or heart. As long as you were alive it felt like I had a lifetime to get my finances in order to come and see you. You were just to young to go so fast and unexpectedly. Just like my life with you was cut short once again you’re gone now forever and I don’t even know what date or what caused your passing. My God, you were just never to be a part of my life at all, I thought to myself. Ten years was the last time we spoke and Iwanted you to come and see us, I pleaded with you. You were the last to the meaning of my life as I just turned fifty-three. I wanted to get the chance to see you face to talk about life, my life and yours. I wanted so much to know so much about you, your life, and why you left us the way you did and now like a thief in the night you’re gone. I am sorry I took for granted, some how you’d be there when I was ready to come meet with you. I am angry that whatever was wrong with you didn’t allow you to put us first to bare the pain and come to come visit us. It would of been easier for you to come than all your children and grand kids. What was so bad, your arthritis, come on now! Canada is not always that cold, you could of make the sacrifice even if it had kill you, just to see us one more time and now look you’re still dead anyway.

There was a time I loved you unconditionally, after all you are my mommy and then there was times I resented you when I needed a mother the most. It hurt me at the age of ten when my sister stated out clear that you’re dead to her and I couldn’t understand her pain. Only after her death and the way she died, then did I understood her cries of hatred and resentment towards you. Where were you when we were hungry and left alone for days while she was left to take care of us, when the television fell into the crib and almost killed our younger bother at that time? The neighbors came to realize that we were left alone for days or even months, then the police and grandma took us in. We were babies and she was only four years old. Where were you when your children was being passed around from place to place to live, be mistreated, your girl children was left alone to be attacked none stop by a child molester predators who was entrusted to take care of them, that send you eldest daughter to drugs, alcohol, prostitution and bad relationships all the way to her demise, your middle daughter to fear relationship dew to vulnerability and fear of being abused, your last to spend her life ever fighting to stand up for herself after being told it was her fault for being molested and not tough enough to fight, being an over protected mother to her children to the point of obsessing over their well being not allowing them to go through life pains and struggles without trying to prevent them from falling, always jumping in front to take the bullet, not allowing them to get cut and bleed a little, obsessing to the point of making herself sick and crazy and as for your our boy children who felt bullied and abused by their father mentally and physically having no idea how it would be to be in the care of a mother. Where were when we needed the comfort and the wisdom of a mother in our times of puberty, schools, jobs and dreams for the future, joys and saddness, fears and doubts, first love and broken hearts, marriages and children, labour pains, health issues,everything that could be shared with a mother, from keeping a house to cooking, any and everything that represents a mom and her love for her family, mother? I so resented you for not being there even now as I am going through menopause and empty nest syndrome.

I remembered the day my father left and you cried as he kissed you goodbye and I vomited and out dog Buster licked it up. You made noodle soup for us the next day left said you’d be back and never returned. I recalled my brother throwing a book we had in the backyard and you or my eldest sister was going to go get it. You told us we couldn’t leave the house, but you were gone so long that by the time my eldest sister opened the backdoor to get the book to read it to calm my younger bothers who was crying that they were hungry the grass was taller than her so she couldn’t get it. The only time you came back was to have my baby brother in the house. I remembered you with two other women locked up in the room and you groaning as we all sat together in the living room being quite as you told us to. We all heard a cry and one of the woman with you brought us the baby to see we had a baby brother. Then you stayed for a few days and left the placenta in a pan on the floor in the bathroom and it would frighten me everytime I saw it, it looked so gross and there was flies all around it. You left again with the baby never to return for a long time again and when you did you returned you came with a man, put us all in the living room once again with the belt swinging between your legs, you said, sit there and be quite don’t move and you and the man was in the same room with the door locked laughing and groaning. At the time I didn’t understand, thought you were having another baby and as I have grown I realized that you were having sex in my father’s house with another man in our presence and you were drunk. I resented and hated you as my older sister explains and we spoke about it. I believed your action was the reason for my father to have left us and never came back. That was the last time I would ever remember us in our home. I know now as a mother you have to wait six weeks before you can have sex so it was that long or even more you left us alone and I never saw our baby brother again. I remembered seeing you once at our grandmother house in the bushes and twice at my aunty once when my grandfather died and another time you lay on her Sofa crying not even talking to us listening to the Beatles song Let it be and at another time you were staying at a house next to our school where every day I would hope to see you and one day we did and you brought us treats and lunch it was the happiest day cause you hugged and kissed us and cried to let us go. That’s the first time I realized you must love us and something is wrong with you. Never to see you again until I was eleven years old and visited the Caribbean with my dad and even then I didn’t get a chance to speak with you, my dad had refused to leave me with you for whatever reason. Then I found out that you had kidnapped my eldest sister to look after my baby brother we didn’t see after you give birth and left us in the house all alone, so he didn’t trust you. But I’ve always felt from you that my eldest sister and brother after me, you loved the most, cause they were your first. I have always saw myself as a daddy’s girl anyways, often wondering what kind of mother daughter relationship we would of had. I saw a lot of you in my eldest sister so we would of loved each other to death, but fight a lot I thought. I guess I saw you in her cause she was the only mother figure for us all without you being there and my dad always said she was just like you, especially her behavior. I never thought it to be a compelment because it was when my dad was angry at her.

Look what you’ve done to us again I thought to myself, when my eldest sister died. In life as in death, we needed you, I needed you to have been here to help take care of her children and bury your daughter. Instead she took care of me and all our siblings when we were left alone by you and it was only fitting that I return the blessing. When she had died my aunt cried when she remembered her when she came to the Caribbean for a visit and she met with my eldest sister that was with you when you kidnapped her and all she can worry and cry about is if we were alone and hungry, so sad a responsibility of the heart and mind for a nine years old baby girl. Were you ever thinking of your children like that? I thought to myself. Ever since her passing nothing have ever been the same in all our lives. She was an important part of holding us all together even though her drunken out of control behavior use to reek havoc, now none of us siblings hasn’t spoken to each other for decades now. Like Jesus when he was crucified all his disciples scattered so did we cause we had no parents to help us heal after the lose of a siblings, this is where the breast and shoulders of a mother comes into play after your children has grown up and you no longer have to nurse or burp them,but just allow them to cry their fears,doubt, pain on your breast as a pillow and hold them up on your shoulder. Where were you? We needed you, I needed you. Just as in life her death also reek havoc and to this day we can’t face each other cause all it does is reminds us of how tormented, painful and cruel a life we were dealt with. We can’t face each other even wth pretense cause the truth continues to pierce us through our hearts and minds the absence of her presence. Like the lost of you, how are we to go on now with no answers to our questions, why?

Thank you mother for all this pain and suffering I’ve endured not having you, in my life. As Psalm 27:10 stipulated “When my father and mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up.” I had looked for you in every mother figure and women I’ve encountered in my life, like a lost sheep, I needed guidance of a shepherd to have found my way back home. Home where I was not afraid, but felt secured and at peace. You had chose out my path I thought when you left, a path of a wanderer, abounded, abused, so much pain and needless suffering, all because I believe you were selfish. There was a time I remembered as I had just gotten married and I spoke to you on the phone after you saw my wedding video, all you were concerned about was money and clothing you wanted, not about my life and my sibings. I told this story to a friend of mine mother and Iwanted her to agree with me that you were a bad mother for that, but instead she said, regardless she’s you mother. My question was why wouldn’t she be more concerned about us than the material things, what kind of mother is this? And yes after all she abandoned us and now she has the nerve to ask for anything, she should be the one trying to offer at least her heart and an apology. I believed everything you did to us was about yourself. You and your mother’s dysfunctions over your father and your life; then that of yours and my father’s. Because of this I sought the Lord and He heard me. I didn’t want to carry on the dysfunction, mental issue and boy I fought it with all my might. I often thought of how I would feel if you were to pass, but I never thought my heart and mind would still long for you with such grief. I often said out of sight out of mind, it would be no different than it always has been, you not in my life anyways and life will go on. But the devil is a liar, being a mother myself and the Lord opening my blind eyes, my stubborn mind and frozen heart just as Jesus did on te cross to say, “forgive them father for they know not what they do.” My life carried me to the cross with Jesus because of you, as he was innocent so was I mother, and yet an innocent baby.

My grandmother never told you her story cause back in the days it was considered none of children business. I didn’t get the chance to know your story, but I know a little of it through my own life as God allowed me to understand. You left us and started a new family with four children and have you forgot the six that you left, how blessed you are to have three daughters and three sons like they called us the Brady Bunch. I often wondered were you replacing us once again for your own selfish reason? I’ve heard from many people you are a wonderful mother even so with those children as once with us, but truly they got you at the best time in your life as you were matured and you made up with them what you couldn’t have done for us by far, as Psalms 51:17 says, “The sacrifice of God are a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise.” So God must of blessed you with another chance by blessing you with more children. I’ve heard from family members that you’d hold all six of our pictures and cry for days in a depression. I heard that you’d mourn for us even with your new family, you never forgot us. Your heart always ached for each and everyone of us. And my shame was I never wanted to disrupt your perfect little family cause if you loved us you’d do anything to have come to us and find us and starting another family would be the last thing on your mind. The first thing would of been to make your wrong right, no? Then I found out you were an alcoholic, a smoker and you spend a lot of time in bars drinking and picking up men. The man that you are with now is a cripple and had no control over you, you did whatever you wanted to. I am not judging you, because strangely after my sister died I myself started to smoke and then quit, drinking was never my thing. I then started to recognize the patterns of mental depression within myself and siblings after the pass of the eldest and it is from both you and our father, that’s why you both couldn’t last together. We all in some way or the other inherited both of your mental issues and dysfunctions and attitudes, like a hereditary curse and spell.

I am not here judging you and if I am is because everything that you’ve been through and done I’ve experienced same things or even worst, but I fought and never give up. I had children and was young also, but unlike you for different men and left alone no mother or their fathers to help me, but I didn’t abandoned them. Unlike you I had c-cection to have all of them spending time in the hospital coming home alone in pain with no one to help but God if something had gone wrong. I mustered up the strength to do everything all by myself with the help of God guidance. I struggle with unspeakable tragedies in my life that I wanted to die, kill myself, but I had my children if nothing else, to be strong and to live for. I guess I have to thank you for that because I never would want to leave them to suffer what I did without a mother. Don’t get me wrong my father wasn’t any better either, but this is about you right now. I don’t think to myself as being stronger or better than you, question is, why didn’t you fight if I could? I didn’t get the chance to learn about your life and what caused you to be the way you were, but I know my story so that I can tell my children and they would never have to worry or wonder, all thanks to you.

You left me again mommy, why? My heart, mind, and spirit is so hurting with you and for you!

I love God, who just like my biological mother growing up not knowing personally and then finding out that though I do not look like her we have the same characteristic and behaviour I am alot like hers. This to me is the same way in which we are created in the image of God. I may not of known my mother and like my faith in God I know for sure I had one. I was born knowing the existence of God like we all know we have and came from a mother and a father.

As I mature spiritually I understood my desire for wanting to know my mother was no different than that of wanting to also know God. And for this reason I’ve realized that God is closer to us all than we’d ever believe, he’s within and without like our parents.

I know that I was different because of everything I’ve been through in my life, starting with my own family like the story of Joseph and his family because of his dream. Like Joseph no matter where he went trouble with the evil that people intended to do against him never had any affect because the Lord always delivered him for his righteous and good personality. You can’t fake goodness, it’s not something you can pretend for too long before your true self comes out because of fear, lose, anger or frustration. If you’re good you’d stand regardless, that’s how God created you, like Job. You can still love and trust God.

For your humility compassion, kindness towards others you get persecuted like Jesus. Like it’s hard for people to believe you are being you, they believe you’re playing something you’re not. Your light in the Lord is supposed to make you shine not hated, envy, jeaulous or even killed. But if it had been for the Lord who was on your side, like Joseph you wouldn’t have survived.

I know that there’s things that can cause a lot of us to be so different, but there’s one thing that we all have in common whether we believe or not, God. Can you feel it!!!

Pro-choice: the right to terminate a pregnancy. Pro-life: wrong and consider murder to terminate a pregnancy or kill a human. What does the Word says about abortion? The six commandments thou shalt not kill Exodus 20:13. There’s no exception in the commandments where as we’re allowed to kill. Even though there are some who will argue to differ according to scripture self-defense, war and capital punishment Nehemiah 4:11-14, Exodus 22:2-3 and Genesis 9:6 are good reasons to take a life. Even to some, sacrifice is not the same as to kill. But I believe strongly Deuteronomy 32:39(NIV) which says, “See now that I, even I, am he, and there is no god beside me; I kill and I make alive; I wound and I heal; and there is none that can deliver out of my hand.” This to me means even though we are given free choice God is still in control.

Many people believe when comes to abortion it’s wrong regardless if they are religious or not, “thou shalt not kill a baby” and it doesn’t matter if it’s an embryo, or just blood as some believe the excuse for it being okay; as it’s not fully a human being yet, so they believe. Abortion is killing, and there’s no way to sugar coat that fact. Murder, killing equals death regardless of the reasons behind it.

Whenever one thinks of abortion we see an innocent angelic babies. We never allow our vision to clearly see the baby as a human being. The very innoncent baby could be thief, murderer, pimp, prostitutes, drug traffickers, an addict, molester, rapist, racist all the evil we are horrified about even to wanting them killed for it. We love the all animal cubs because it’s innocent and harmless until it grows into a man-eater then we’re afraid and hunt and kill them. I’ll be the devil’s advocate under these circumstances to all those who opposes abortion. When these angelic babies grows up you’re the first to cry out kill them for killing your loved ones or hurt you in some way. You hypocrites go to the jails, hospitals, foster homes, adoption agencies, the streets with the homeless, countries where there’s poverty, diseases, no water, and destruction and help those who are also in need of your deliverance and mercy. Feed the hungry, cloth the naked, give shelter to the homeless. Go to the jails, hospitals, in your own neighborhoods, highways and byways, wherever there’s a sense of hopelessness and stop life abortions( the evil people as they are now recognized as, the forgotten with mentally illness, outcasts of society).

I sincerely believe that abortion should not be used as a form of contraceptive and prevention is better that cure, especially with all the contraceptives available today, no excuses. Yes, accident do happen, but still remember no one goes before God on judgement day on your behalf for your actions in life beside yourself. Your decision to abort is like everything in life, your freedom to choose and also to expect and except the consequence. The consequences is not just what happens when you die, like going to hell or heaven. Some after having an abortion feel like they are cursed, could never get pregnant again or have a child that has complications such physical or mental challenges.

We must learn to show compassion cause not everyone who has an abortion is a baby killer and a murderer. These are the people the activists against abortion over looks, like the ones the ultrasound shows needs to be terminated, or the ones for health as well as that of the unborn fetus would be in jeopardy. And let us not forget that there are people who are thorn when comes to having an abortion, but have no other choice and mentally it breaks them or the ones who adamantly thought it was a good idea and regret it for the rest of their lives.

Like the giving or taking of blood or organs no one should have the rights to tell another what they can an can’t do with their body. Let the judgement be that of the Lord’s, for only he is the reader of hearts and minds. And for those who doesn’t believe in God pray for them.