I had to begin to realize my well being has all to do with my state of mind, and the definition of what it is to be well physically as well as spiritually. For decades now I’ve had what is called a chronic disease that is so painful. I live my life with pain, pain so bad at times that it clouds your thoughts, judgment, memory, can’t stay focus, emotions are running high, and worst, mental issues.

Your goals, dreams and wishes may seems so ridiculous, when everyone else is aiming high for the stars you’re aiming low to grab yourself some dirt from on the ground, cause all you desire is to be pain free. Your expectations is warranted, but no one would be able to comprehend. People will look at you like, “what you’re playing, you look fine” with no physical attributes, your pain is not necessarily seen. Pain took me from being in the world but not of it. I isolated myself so I don’t have to explain myself all the time. And being a person who rather give than receive, and don’t like attention on myself, it began to be too much to try and fake it away. I will fight it in the dark until I can step out with the light. No one needs to know what I am going through, I refuse the attention and their sympathy.

I fought with the Lord, “why me?” Is this the thorn in my side like the Apostles Paul spoke about, 2 Corinthians 12: 6-7 “…lest any man should think of me above that which he sees me to be, or that he hears of me.”Verse 9-10 His strength will show strong in my weaknesses… I had for years, been trying to prove the devil a liar. I was not going to give into the pain and I fought so that everyone around me would see me going on in life like normal. No one was going be the spoke person in my life for the devil to guide me in in believing, with their sympathies, condolences, and helpful kindness, not even the doctor who diagnosed me I give into. I believe the doctor didn’t know what she’s talking about. If the Lord hadn’t disclosed it to me in a dream, whiles I prayed and fasted, not even one conformation by the Holy Spirit, family or friends the devil is a liar. After decades when all symptoms of truth appeared unexpectedly, I knew it was time, God’s timing. Crazy because now that I had gotten my mind truly right with the Lord, my faith unwavering in Him. Can’t believe now this happens, my mind is good and now my body is not.

There are days I just want to stop time so I can catch up and not miss out on things that’s important and going on, even though I do, it’s not by choice. How many times I went from I think I can, I am going to, and now I am and had to stop, smack right in the process of doing. Pain, emotional and physical it shows itself together, unified, one way or the other, can’t escape it. It took control making me face the fact that I’ll never be what is considered normal, but I desire desperately to have it.

If is through faith in God I found reasons to keep on moving through the tough season of my life. I’ll be honest, sometimes it’s not easy.