I had to begin to realize my well being has all to do with my state of mind, and the definition of what it is to be well physically as well as spiritually. For decades now I’ve had what is called a chronic disease that is so painful. I live my life with pain, pain so bad at times that it clouds your thoughts, judgment, memory, can’t stay focus, emotions are running high, and worst, mental issues.

Your goals, dreams and wishes may seems so ridiculous, when everyone else is aiming high for the stars you’re aiming low to grab yourself some dirt from on the ground, cause all you desire is to be pain free. Your expectations is warranted, but no one would be able to comprehend. People will look at you like, “what you’re playing, you look fine” with no physical attributes, your pain is not necessarily seen. Pain took me from being in the world but not of it. I isolated myself so I don’t have to explain myself all the time. And being a person who rather give than receive, and don’t like attention on myself, it began to be too much to try and fake it away. I will fight it in the dark until I can step out with the light. No one needs to know what I am going through, I refuse the attention and their sympathy.

I fought with the Lord, “why me?” Is this the thorn in my side like the Apostles Paul spoke about, 2 Corinthians 12: 6-7 “…lest any man should think of me above that which he sees me to be, or that he hears of me.”Verse 9-10 His strength will show strong in my weaknesses… I had for years, been trying to prove the devil a liar. I was not going to give into the pain and I fought so that everyone around me would see me going on in life like normal. No one was going be the spoke person in my life for the devil to guide me in in believing, with their sympathies, condolences, and helpful kindness, not even the doctor who diagnosed me I give into. I believe the doctor didn’t know what she’s talking about. If the Lord hadn’t disclosed it to me in a dream, whiles I prayed and fasted, not even one conformation by the Holy Spirit, family or friends the devil is a liar. After decades when all symptoms of truth appeared unexpectedly, I knew it was time, God’s timing. Crazy because now that I had gotten my mind truly right with the Lord, my faith unwavering in Him. Can’t believe now this happens, my mind is good and now my body is not.

There are days I just want to stop time so I can catch up and not miss out on things that’s important and going on, even though I do, it’s not by choice. How many times I went from I think I can, I am going to, and now I am and had to stop, smack right in the process of doing. Pain, emotional and physical it shows itself together, unified, one way or the other, can’t escape it. It took control making me face the fact that I’ll never be what is considered normal, but I desire desperately to have it.

If is through faith in God I found reasons to keep on moving through the tough season of my life. I’ll be honest, sometimes it’s not easy.

“The devil is a liar!” I was very apprehensive to get the Covid-19 vaccine. I was afraid that it will kill me. The thought of death, had me paralyze with fear when it came to being vaccinated. I didn’t want to think of nothing else. I could cared less about all the conspiracy theories, only one thing, “I just didn’t want to die.”

“I am not ready to go home,” as some of us Christians refer to death. “I have all the Faith needed, this disease would not kill me.” I didn’t believe I needed any vaccination, God will protect me. So ignorant was I. I have faith in God, but as quoted in the Bible, “vain is the help of man,” Psalm 60:11.

One day after watching the view with American actress author, comedian, television personality, Emmy, Grammy, Academy and Tony award winner, Whoopi Goldberg, who showed a picture of her getting her vaccine, inspired me want to go get vaccinated. In spite of my inspiration to go, I was still very much afraid. So I did what I always do for answers, walk and talk to the Lord. And when it felt like I was still conflicted fasting and praying always work.

One day out of the blue a thought came to my head. “If I truly believe in God why does death fear me, so much? If God is creater and is control, nothing is impossible with Him. If I have all Faith in Him, whether I live or die, why am I afraid? Why, isn’t my Faith to trust his will for me whether I live or die? My Faith is wavering, leaving way for the devil. In my mind I started picturing Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane and instead of Jesus it was me saying, “not my will, but your will Lord be done.”

Conviction of my spirit led me to understand that all sciences and technology, every accomplishment humanity has ever achieved was done according to the will of God. John 14:12 “Very truly I tell you, whoever believe in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father.” Sciences, technology…everything humanity intellectually are able to create to make our world a better place comes from God. The Bible, television, radio, video, movies, music, musical instruments,  air planes, helicopter, houses, churches, temples of worship, cars, cell phone, computer, education, medicine…

Medicines has saved my life on many occasions, with all sorts of trials and errors. But I believe I came this far in taking them and surviving, because the Lord has a plan for life, regardless of my fears. I realized it was easy to speak Faith, speaking it is like convincing yourself, when you feel you’re being tested and tried. Faith can sometime be very difficult especially when fear over takes you. Faith is meant to be constant not occasionally and convenient. 

When we believe in God, we got to believe in Him for every aspect of our lives and to truly know, He’s with us always. Keep fixated on the Lord. “If Jesus could use spit and mud to heal a blind man,John 9:6 what is a vaccine?” The man did everything Jesus told him to do to be able to receive his sight. He showed obedience in faith. The woman with the issue of blood, Mark 5:34, proved determination in faith. James 2:14-26, faith without works is dead, and there’s no shame in faith. Faith reveals the the miracle working power of God, as long as we believe to walk, in and by it.

I am proud to declare that I have received both my vaccine and I never felt better, not just naturally but spiritually. I’ve found myself just as determined with my faith like the woman with the issue of blood, “praise be to God.”