For the longest while I’ve been asking God to pour me out. I knew I had some good qualities, but I felt like it was being contaminated, or overpowered by some kind of evil that was infecting my spirit. I wanted to be poured out and renewed I wanted only the goodness to remain in me. I felt like there was something inside of me that was not right and holding me hostage, so I would pray, “God pour me out and refill me.” I found in the Bible psalm 51 verse: 7″Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean, wash me, and I shall be whiter than show.” I love reading the entire psalm, but this verse is the pouring out I was asking God. I learned that it was not pouring out that I needed, but rather purging.

The discomfort (the pouring out) that I was feeling after two years has abruptly gone and I now feel empty. I believe that the discomfort that I was feeling was as a result of trying to be perfect in an imperfect world as everything kept coming up short; whether it was being a mom, wife, friend, sister, aunt, family member, and a pastor anything with dealing with others besides myself. I wanted to be pleasing for the sake of following Jesus’s footsteps but was being tormented within my spirit. It was a continued battle within me after seeing how people would hurt me for trying to do good by them. My conscious mind wouldn’t allow me to do wrong not even to lie and be ok by it. The people that I love and care about are unlike me as I  wouldn’t give a excuse for my behavior when I would or might have done something wrong like I do for them. They are always ready to nail me to the cross and not just the people that I love, but human beings period and towards one another. As the saying goes, “faults in others I can see thank God there’s no faults in me.”

I started to resent people for there ingratitude, selfish ways, entitled attitude, ego and their none conscience mind. I am angry because they can’t be like me or see things the way I see it. I love and care too much and my heart is easily broken. I told God unless He makes me like himself don’t ask me to do what he does, not with these people, they are evil. I would not ask for someone to do, be, or say anything I wouldn’t do, be or say myself. I like to be in control, because I consider myself to be a person of integrity. I love Jesus and all of my life I wanted to be like him, only to realize that I was being like him in suffering by the hands of the ones I  love and trying to save. The difference is I don’t have his power to sustain, I broke and now I feel so empty. I can’t even pretend that I could do it, I know just how much my heart can take and my emotions will allow, I am broken.

Like the story of Job even though I’ve felt like I lost everything, I never give up on my faith in God. And also like Jonah I am too angry to want to help people any more, “God it’s your people only you can help them, I am not worthy right now.” I felt like I no longer wanted to be around people. The reason is that I have natural instinct is to want to love, help and nurture anyone in need and I can’t take people hurting me.

I felt like I needed balance; like maybe I should go on a retreat or something. I was hurting physically as well as emotionally and I was entrapped in my pain. My pain continues to rape me day and night that it also consumed my thoughts, even my dreams at nights. And I cried out to God, “I need you, oh how I need you Lord!” I’ve been watching my Bishop Td Jakes , praying, fasting and Bishop messages every week I felt like his messages were God talking to me through him, and I got it. The pain finally went away and one day I heard a voice whisper, “you’re empty now!” I said, “speak Lord, for thy servant hears you,” and voice responds, “you’re empty, so that means you’re ready to eat now.” All that popped in my head at that moment is not all foods are good for every and anyone and I felt at peace in my spirit and the story of Jesus as he fed the people with the two fishes and five loaves John6:9

I always wanted to be poured out and I don’t really understand  why I felt like that and it wouldn’t let up in my spirit. But now I understand I was only hungry for something new within my spirit that God was already working on. 2Corinthian 5:17 Therefore if any man be in Christ, his a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. And I would add, “for such a time like this, what is going on in the world today.”