From fear, doubt, hopelessness, worry, all the way to depression, which led to anxiety and now medication not for me, but meditation for half an hour. Going to church, praying definitely has not been durable and no one is to blame even though I tried to for my peace. So I ask the question,”why me Lord, did I do something to deserve this?” Did I? I kept on repeatedly asking myself in my mind. So I thought to myself, “if I could really be responsible for my own demise then there must be something I can so about it, if it is not the will of God for my life.” I realize that I can’t control others and things around me, but I could control my reactions and emotions to the things and people that it can’t affect me in any way. I’ve tried ignoring it, out of sight means out of mind, I’ve tried confronting it, talking about it, and believing I could let it go and that it would some how miraculously go away…NOT!

I had a dream that I was ministering to people in the same predicament as myself and I was being taught by someone that was telling me exactly what to say, but the voice was in my head. Here is what I was told, “How can you say you want peace, when you refused to forgive, starting with yourself? How can you say you want peace and not recognize you are raging war; your own war? How can you say you want peace when you want vengeance, vengeance upon the ones that hurt you even to say I want them to hurt the way they hurt me? How can you say you want peace when you’ve already prepare yourself for war with anyone who would dare to hurt you again in your heart and mind? How can you say you want peace when you don’t even declare it into your life? How can you say you want peace when you’re anticipating war?  How can you say you want peace, but in your world you’re surrounded by war, the war that within and the war that is without? How can you say you want peace when you can’t let go of the pain that you endure?  Let peace be your dwelling place in your heart and mind not war. Declare, fight, demand, and meditate on your PEACE, peace of mind and peace in your heart.

Matthew 21:19 And when he saw a fig tree in the way, he came to it and found nothing thereon, but leaves only, and said unto it, “Let no fruit grow on you henceforward for ever.” And presently the fig tree withered away. The cursing of the fig tree was it only a lesson in faith or something more sinister?

Just before the cursing of the fig tree Jesus was being hailed by the people, “Hosanna, blessed is he that comes in the name of the Lord,” as he entered the temple where he cast out all that sold and bought in the temple, and overthrew the tables of the moneychangers and the seats of them that sold doves. And he said, “My house shall be called the house of payers; but you have made it a den of thieves.” (Matthew 21:9-13) When Jesus had finished cleaning the temple of the bad things that was going on in it, the sick came to him to be healed and the chief priests and scribes saw and was very much displeased at the wonderful things that he did and the children praising him for it.(Matthew21:14-16)

Leading up to Jesus cursing of the fig tree, to me, he was not in a good state of mind as to what was going on in the temple with buying, selling and money and then the chief priest and the scribes come to chastise him. I know if it was me, my mind would not let go of all that took place on that day at the temple. It was after all that excitement that he left the temple and went out of its city  into Bethany; Jesus got up that next morning hungry and cursed the fig tree.

I believe that Jesus knew his time was coming soon for him to be crucified and there was in him an anxiety, after all he was part human. All the work he has done and still yet to accomplish before his transition and resurrection, it must have been a load that was weighing heavily upon him. He may have been God in the spirit, but remember the flesh is the greatest battle of tug of war when comes to the spirit. If  I was Jesus, I would have been able to see into the future and know that I was going to be hung on a tree, the very tree that I had created.

To me the fig tree was the representation of the tree of knowledge of good and evil in the garden of Eden (Genesis 2:17) Jesus who was able to feed thousands with two fishes and five loaves, who performed so many miracles couldn’t make figs grow from a blossoming tree being hungry? Things to make you ponder, I would say. This was a teaching of faith, but also boldness; to conquer anything and not to fall into temptation easily like Adam and Eve did. Jesus is not a man like Esau that being hungry would make him lose control and give up his right(Genesis 25:30-34) A hungry Jesus? Scriptures declares in John 4:32-34 Jesus said, “I have meat to eat that you know not of. My meat is to do the will of him that sent me and to finish his work.” Jesus doesn’t hunger or thirst for food or drink, but rather than to do the will of his Father.

Why then would it say that Jesus hungered and cursed the fig tree when he saw no figs. The fig free was the representation of what went wrong in the garden of Eden with the forbidden tree in the preparation for the resurrection for making things the way it was meant to be. Jesus destroyed the tree of knowledge of good and evil with the cursing of the fig tree by giving us the key of faith that Adam and Even didn’t receive before his resurrection. Jesus conquered the temptation and sin, that which was on the outside and then went into the depth of that which was on the inside.

Because of Jesus we now have what is called the tree of life and all the others we can eat from. The tree of the knowledge of good and evil is no longer a threat as the Our Father prayer says, “Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from all evil.” The hunger that Jesus was experiencing is the manifestation of the desire we all should have when pertaining to the things of God and doing them like Jesus did with a passion and commitment.

 

 

 

 

For the longest while I’ve been asking God to pour me out. I knew I had some good qualities, but I felt like it was being contaminated, or overpowered by some kind of evil that was infecting my spirit. I wanted to be poured out and renewed I wanted only the goodness to remain in me. I felt like there was something inside of me that was not right and holding me hostage, so I would pray, “God pour me out and refill me.” I found in the Bible psalm 51 verse: 7″Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean, wash me, and I shall be whiter than show.” I love reading the entire psalm, but this verse is the pouring out I was asking God. I learned that it was not pouring out that I needed, but rather purging.

The discomfort (the pouring out) that I was feeling after two years has abruptly gone and I now feel empty. I believe that the discomfort that I was feeling was as a result of trying to be perfect in an imperfect world as everything kept coming up short; whether it was being a mom, wife, friend, sister, aunt, family member, and a pastor anything with dealing with others besides myself. I wanted to be pleasing for the sake of following Jesus’s footsteps but was being tormented within my spirit. It was a continued battle within me after seeing how people would hurt me for trying to do good by them. My conscious mind wouldn’t allow me to do wrong not even to lie and be ok by it. The people that I love and care about are unlike me as I  wouldn’t give a excuse for my behavior when I would or might have done something wrong like I do for them. They are always ready to nail me to the cross and not just the people that I love, but human beings period and towards one another. As the saying goes, “faults in others I can see thank God there’s no faults in me.”

I started to resent people for there ingratitude, selfish ways, entitled attitude, ego and their none conscience mind. I am angry because they can’t be like me or see things the way I see it. I love and care too much and my heart is easily broken. I told God unless He makes me like himself don’t ask me to do what he does, not with these people, they are evil. I would not ask for someone to do, be, or say anything I wouldn’t do, be or say myself. I like to be in control, because I consider myself to be a person of integrity. I love Jesus and all of my life I wanted to be like him, only to realize that I was being like him in suffering by the hands of the ones I  love and trying to save. The difference is I don’t have his power to sustain, I broke and now I feel so empty. I can’t even pretend that I could do it, I know just how much my heart can take and my emotions will allow, I am broken.

Like the story of Job even though I’ve felt like I lost everything, I never give up on my faith in God. And also like Jonah I am too angry to want to help people any more, “God it’s your people only you can help them, I am not worthy right now.” I felt like I no longer wanted to be around people. The reason is that I have natural instinct is to want to love, help and nurture anyone in need and I can’t take people hurting me.

I felt like I needed balance; like maybe I should go on a retreat or something. I was hurting physically as well as emotionally and I was entrapped in my pain. My pain continues to rape me day and night that it also consumed my thoughts, even my dreams at nights. And I cried out to God, “I need you, oh how I need you Lord!” I’ve been watching my Bishop Td Jakes , praying, fasting and Bishop messages every week I felt like his messages were God talking to me through him, and I got it. The pain finally went away and one day I heard a voice whisper, “you’re empty now!” I said, “speak Lord, for thy servant hears you,” and voice responds, “you’re empty, so that means you’re ready to eat now.” All that popped in my head at that moment is not all foods are good for every and anyone and I felt at peace in my spirit and the story of Jesus as he fed the people with the two fishes and five loaves John6:9

I always wanted to be poured out and I don’t really understand  why I felt like that and it wouldn’t let up in my spirit. But now I understand I was only hungry for something new within my spirit that God was already working on. 2Corinthian 5:17 Therefore if any man be in Christ, his a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new. And I would add, “for such a time like this, what is going on in the world today.”

 

Just by the one-time visit I had with this doctor, followed by a cancellation at the last minute without explanation should have said it all: there was going to be problems. At first I thought good, this will give me time to make up my mind  about whether or not I wanted to do the surgery or even to have a second opinion about it. But no, I was just so  thankful after waiting for what seems like forever to see a doctor for my knee and not just any doctor but an orthopedic surgeon. He made it seem like it was going to be an easy procedure, that I could even be awake if I wanted to. It would take no more than twenty minutes. I had what is called a meniscus tear, which is the rubbery c-shape disc that cushions your knee, so you don’t have bones rubbing against bones and the operation was to remove all the torn pieces and to see really what was causing me so much pain and discomfort.

I call him the devil doctor because when he wrote something on my left ankle to identify the leg he was going to operate on and it looked like a goat with horns and everything, I should have taken a picture. I tried several times was to wash it off my ankle when I’d taken a shower and  sure enough it didn’t come off and the day I forget to take the picture and said it would never come off anyway, I rubbed it with a little bit of soap and it did erase off with no problem. I would never get that moment backs so no picture. You had to see it to believe it. He never stayed around to speak with me after the operation nor to answer any concerns. I did not even get a call from his office to see how I was doing. No bed side manners at all for a doctor.

For seventeen years he’s been doing this, I’ve looked him up to see if anyone had any comments about his abilities and I just found one. That was a red flag, but it had a big thing on how many languages he can speak. I thought to myself, “who gives a shit, are you kidding me?!” I should have done my research, he’s a doctor quack, that’s why no one comments on him, if they ever had him. He said to me, ” if I feel good don’t even come back and see him after the operation, for real? I told this incompetent idiot, “I really want to say a bad word right now again,” I have a condition called Fibromyalgia, a chronic disorder characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain, fatigue and tenderness in localized areas of the body. It’s been three weeks since the operation and I am still in pain and the knee is still swollen.

I am only going to see him again because I sincerely believe in my heart that he has no idea about how to treated a patient who come to him with this chronic disorder Fibromyalgia, so I want to educate him a little so someone else like my self wouldn’t end up in his care and feel like they made the biggest mistake in their lives.

I’ve realized through this doctor that it is not in man you have to put your trust in when it comes to really having to trust a doctor to do surgery on you. You have to pray God will be overshadowing him in the surgery before these fools kill you. I find that some doctors today don’t become doctors because they have a call and a passion for healing, but for money and that’s all. I must have had several surgeries in my life time and four iof which were for the birthing of my children via C-sections. Today I could only count three of the doctors that I’ve encountered as being called and having a passion for healing. One doctor left something in me, another tried to kill me and my child, misdiagnosed by another and the list goes on. If was not for prayers and the Holy ghost intervention I would be suing a lot of doctors or my family would have to for wrongful death. God has always showed up for me in my times of troubles and for these doctors also I must say. Because of them I know that I am the Lord’s anointed, because I should have been dead a long time ago leave up to them.

This was just my knee and now I know why when the people were on the cross they broke their bones by the knee so that they died faster, because bone pain in the knee is like getting shocked by electricity until you pass out. That’s what the pain in my knee felt like without morphine. I hate taking pain medications period especially the ones that makes you dizzy. All my life I could endure pain, suck it up, and be strong, but this time for the first time in my life as long as I could remember it felt like a shield that protected me from pain whether emotional or physical was torn down. And in my life I’ve been through all kinds of pain that would have  made some people mental, looking for some sort of escape, whether drugs and or want to suicide themselves. All I knew was there is a God, I was born with this knowledge and he would make everything alright. The endurance was never for or about me. I didn’t have father or mother so it was about my younger and older siblings and towards the unborn children I knew I was going to have one day. Nothing ever penetrated my shield until my children all grew up and some even have kids of their own. Thank God I was still able to look after some of them before this disease completely took over my life (chronic pain) it brought me to my knees, emotionally and physically where I cried out I couldn’t take it anymore I need something to help me after this operation.

Less than twenty-four hours after day surgery I ended back in the hospital, in so much pain that I was about to pass out. My blood pressure went down so low for someone in pain, I just couldn’t bare it, I was also nauseated by the pain. I had to be hooked up to  intravenous medication and given nausea meds also to help. This was the worst operation ever, I thought to myself. But then an epiphany hit me, it was the first operation I ever had and had no one to worry about besides myself. I didn’t have anyone or anything I’d have to suck it up and be strong for anymore, just me, it’s now all about me and I couldn’t be strong for myself. I have given all that energy to everyone I love when they  needed it most so they were all strong, but couldn’t reciprocate back to me. I realized through them that being me is a gift to them and they aren’t like me, it is my anointing having being able to give out energy, but only able to receive back from God. It is my calling and my passion, to serve.

 

 

How do I know that she is real?  It is because she is me. I can’t explain it but I feel like my spirit wants me to relive this experience I had with Mary once again.  I saw her in a vision on a retreat; my spirit reflecting back at me as if I was looking in a mirror. Mary had no color to her skin, she glowed like radiating light and the clothes she wore were the color of the sky: blue. And as she placed the infant Jesus in my arms without saying a word, but by telepathy she said, “I give you the world in your hands, take care of it”. I held the baby in my arms and looked at it. He also was radiating light with no skin color. She took off her crowns, it was three of them attached to one another, a crown of heaven, of earth and of the crucifix. And from that moment everything about her was revealed to me,  it was like we became one.

This experience for me was like something out of science fiction movie, all this was taking place in the sky on a floating cloud surrounding by a brilliant glowing, warm, peaceful and tranquil light. The atmosphere was cereal you could feel the presence of God, like I guess what happened to Moses on Mount Sinai.

I did not have a near death experience where there was evidence that I was pronounced dead by a licensed physician, but I died. I saw myself in a tent in what looked like the desert or some sort of wilderness like in the movie the Ten Commandment where Moses was in the scene with Jethro his father in-law and the other men counting money and speaking about choosing a wife. I was there with two other persons dressed in gleaming white attire sitting on the bare floor. It looked like the gleaming white attire was changing from being white to seeing our skeleton bones, which didn’t seem to make any sense. This took a few minutes, it was like the flickering of lights on a Christmas tree. With every blink from light to darkness, there was a change. Finally only the skeleton was left and I felt like the light, the gleaming white light, was pulled out of me by the center of my chest, known as the Heart chakra and I started floating upwards into the sky. I heard a voice saying take as much people with you as you can, especially the dead in Christ. I first started to pull for my family, my children especially, when I was told adamantly the dead in Christ. So I started to pull for everyone I could reach, and I was heading up towards the sun when I looked back and saw all the people coming out of the earth including myself as ray of light floating upwards pass the stars heading towards the sun. We were all the same color of light and from what I saw, it was the color of the sun itself.

This all happened to me after my encounter with the mother of Jesus. What does this all mean?  It meant that I entered into a divine dimension. It enables me to connect with divinity. I have more senses than the normal. Some of us have six senses but I have what might be call complete senses. To have been able to venture out of the earth into the next realm was like what Jesus did on the Mount of transfiguration(Matthew 17:1-8). Ever since this encounter I feel more and more like I don’t belong here on earth, because my thoughts are not like others and my emotions are also so different. It’s been twenty-two years since I’ve had  this experience and every so often I’ll find myself slipping in and out of my connection. This world is meant to be the way it is for a reason, I believe I  am hear for a specific reason as well.