In my life, I have never worried about my age like I have now that I am about to turn fifty years old. In the midst of the most holist of season lent, I was born. I’ve always tried to find out why I was so different compared to all my siblings in terms of my personality, and especially when it came to my faith in God. I’ve always believed that for some people they had to find God, but I was born with Him in me and funny thing is that I knew and felt Him within me all my life (Psalm 22:10 I was cast upon thee from the womb; thou art my God from my mother’s belly). I knew that there was a God and I was so bold in my heart, mind, body and spirit that I never wanted anyone to tell me how or what I should do to serve Him because it really used to upset my spirit. God was my imaginary friend and the name I gave him was Father. Anytime I would feel afraid or someone would hurt me, I would call father and He’d come to me like a bunch of bubble lights as I would call it as a child. Today, I know those bubble lights to be called an orbs. When the lights would talk to me it would dim or get brighter and I would never be afraid. Just talking about this makes me cry, because the bubble lights never left me during all this time. I became a woman, wife, mother, grandmother, but most of all a teacher and witness to the existence of God, who always been within and surrounding me.

I often wondered about the state of mind of my parents, especially my mom. Seeing that I don’t really know my mother, I often wonder if she was a praying person, if she even believed in God when I was conceived? I can’t understand why, but both my parents dysfunctional. I was told that my mom didn’t know that the man my grandmother worked for as a maid  was her father and she was his only child and used to pass by his house every day as he’d look at her, hidden behind the curtain of a window just to see her. This went on until he died, then she found out. My grandmother and my mother never had a good relationship with each other, they fought constantly. My grandmother, like me, had four children with four different men, but unlike me, I don’t know if she was ever married. I was never told if my grandfather was ever married, but he was wealthy, he left his house to my mother and it was a mansion, in the eyes of a child. My father was a spoiled rotten love child of my grandparents, who were childhood sweethearts. My Grandmother Hearty as they called her, because she was so quite spoken and very loving to others, was a compassionate woman. You would never think a man like my father could have ever came from a woman like that. On the other hand, my grandfather, from what I was told was like the devil out of hell. He used to beat up my grandmother very badly (domestic violence), cheated on her with other women, he read bad books about evil and practiced it and drank a lot. I was told that because of my grandfather domestic violence to my grandmother, his parents took my father from my grandmother so she can leave him, for six to nine years, I believe, but she didn’t. By the time my father came back to my grandparents from my great grandparents, he was so spoiled as an only child and wanted everything his way, he became a handful for my grandmother, always acting out of control even though he then had other siblings younger than him. Now my grandfather had a firm hand when disciplining my father and my father claims that because he was the darker of my grandfather children, eleven of them altogether, my grandfather would treat him most unkind and beat him up. My father continues to act like a spoiled child even today. He believes that things must be his way and that the world and his own children owe him. My father, like his father, beat up on my mother and cheated on her with other women. But unlike my passive, loving and compassionate grandmother, my mom would fight my dad back like a man. She was tough and crazy I was told and my father feared her. They would fight real bad and love just the same. No one ever wanted to get involved with their fights because after all the fighting they’d be most loving to one another and my mother always got pregnant again after a big fight.

It was twenty-one days to the big one, 50, when I began writing this but it is now 10 days to the big 5-0 as I finish it. I don’t know why it is so terrifying to me. I can only think that it is because I was able to achieve all that I could have and wanted to do in my life, except being famous and filthy rich so I could have married Michael  Jackson. This is it, I could die now at any time, God can call me home and I am ready to go, but if I come before my Lord, can I really say that I am worthy to be in His presence? Matthew 7:21 Not everyone that say unto me Lord, Lord, shall into the kingdom of heaven. I believe that I was trying to live according to the will of God, but was I? I am not a greedy person, neither am I selfish. I would give my life for someone who would just love to be in the place where I am and have hours counting down to the end of there lives and could not with bold assurance say, ‘I am ready Lord.” I review my life and turning fifty is not an up hill battle in age, it is a up hill battle in wisdom, knowledge and understanding, “how well learned am I?” I am talking about my spiritual being  not my physical body. I don’t want to think of the physical body because it would only get me down. Even just the thought of knowing it is slowly but surely deteriorating in some form or the other, back to its original form, like a baby, as it was in the beginning so shall it be in the end, fragile state. We cannot go back into our mothers womb and get the substance we need to renew it, so we just wait it out like a ripen fruit until it dies, the physical body, there’s no fighting it. I’ve matured in so many ways and still have a lot to learn and teach. I ask  God to please don’t take me until I could say:the meaning of life is!!!

Half a century old. It’ like being a year old again for the first time. Starting a new level in life, it feels like being graded. How can I have accepted all the changes and still able to continue? I don’t like changes, but in accepting the fact that God is in control, I’ve allowed changes to change me.” But by the grace of God, I’d say, if it hadn’t been for the Lord, I really don’t know how I would’ve made it through.” I’s seen people younger and older than I, die, fallen victim to physical and mental illness, suicide, or being killed., and I am still here. All I can say sometimes is: it could of been me. I believe that God has a reason and a purpose for each and every one of our lives. Some of us even serve that purpose in life as well as death, to bring awareness to certain situation in life, for example sickness and diseases, domestic violence, and drinking driving, suicide, etc. I’ve often asked God what is my purpose? But then realizing that everything about life is purpose and meaningful, whether good or bad and there is no limitations.

I am so thankful even for the many days I have to talk myself to get out of bed and rebuke the pains and sickness of my body. I’ve sometimes had to be calling my body forth like Jesus called Lazarus out of the grave, lol. It is literal to say as scriptures declares, ” the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.” With every pain and discomfort, it makes me realize, without it I would of taken my health for granted.

I feel as though right now I am becoming who I was really called to be or, for lack of a better word, created to be. I am trying to put it in words that make sense. I feel as though I have journeyed from my mother’s womb to a realization of the sense of being aware, aware of God, life and it’s joy and sorrows, good and evil, even to the sense of my deep-rooted fears and emotions that I must confront. But the most important thing is for me, the interpreter of human nature, is to not allow myself  to be confused in battling ignorance of the bad behavior of mankind, that somehow will effect me to the point of resentment, bitterness and hatred towards them and not to judge. To know who I am, if the question was to be asked. Somehow God has opened my eyes even brighter that I could see clearly, my ears sharper that I could hear and my mind, body and spirit can work together in one accord. I feel like I have more accuracy in dealing with life with profound wisdom, knowledge and understanding. I can’t and shouldn’t look back at anything in my life as a regret or failure. Scriptures declare all things works together for good. (Romans 8:28) And also for me to except the fact that when I was a child I did things as a child and now that I have grown I have to put away childish ways.(1Corinthians13:11) “I AM BLESSED.”