I was on a journey that I had to make alone, without family or friends I had to make this alone. I could hear them crying out, ‘who does she think she is, why did she have to go, did we do something wrong?’ The judgement and the bickering started. I was hurting to hear the things that were being said about me especially with the love I have for each and every one of them. I couldn’t allow myself to be distracted, so I kept on moving forward in fasting and praying. I then started to feel hungry, thirsty, weary and faint. So I turned back for the things that I was yearning for, family and friends, only to realize that  where I was going, they couldn’t go. Like when Jesus had said to his disciples in John 13:36 “where I go you can’t follow me now, but later you will.” They all were my stumbling blocks and barriers to my journey, because my heart was in too deep where they were concerned and I had to loosen the bonds.

For the first time in my life, I got a glimpse of what death was all about, when you have to let go of your love ones. People would always want you to be around, but to serve their purpose . My questions were, “why are you sad because I went away? What have you done or what have you been in my life to serve a purpose for me? What would you do if I were yet still here? Why waste your tears, when you didn’t even care when I was present?”  You tore me down when I needed to be lifted up. I began to see the love hate relationship that we were in and instead of it being about you, I had to go on this journey to find out about us.

In Matthew 10:34-37 when Jesus said, ” Do not think that I have come to bring peace to the world, but a sword to set sons against fathers, daughters against their mothers, daughters-in-law against mothers-in-law; a man’s worst enemies will be of his own house. He that love father or mother more than me is not worthy of me and he that love son or daughter is not worthy also.” So we know that friends could never fit in the category of family, and if family is to be put aside for God, then what gives for a friend? When Jesus said, “Greater love has no man than this , than a man lay down his life for his friends.” John15:13, we are made aware that if it were our family, it would be expected, because blood is thicker than water but, as demonstrated when it comes to family versus friends or stranger in certain situations, there is an importance of sacrifice for a friend as well.

I was filled with rage and bitterness over this situation. I was praying to God and said, “I am tired of people. I’ve spend my whole life trying to please, to be liked and accepted. I’ve care about what they think and feel about me” when I heard a voice said, “let love, all your love pull them to where you are, just as my love pulled you to where you are right now, surrounded in my love and presence.” Now I know what it feels like to be resurrected. The love of God embraced me and purged me of all negativity. How I knew this is because I can feel the change in me. The rage turned into patience and the bitterness into compassion, that can only come from God.

God loves us unconditionally and even though we do wrong, his intentions is not to destroy us, but to redeem us.