I went on a spiritual retreat seeking wisdom, knowledge and understanding of God. I was so confused about the teachings of the Bible, and why so many different types of churches came about from reading the same Bible and the teachings of Jesus. Why was the “my way is the only and right way to the kingdom of God.” perspective so prevalent?  My father, I was told, is Catholic and my mother, Protestant. I went to catholic school and churches. I was exposed to different faiths growing up; Seven Days Adventist, Jehovah’s Witness, Baptist, and even Hinduism because of a neighbour who, when they had a celebrations, would invite us over for food and to play with other children. When I was living on my own, a few other faiths came to witness at my door; one was a Mormon and others were mostly Pentecostal.  I would always let them in, in accordance to the Bible which says, ”Be not forgetful to entertain strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.” Hebrews 13:2. Once anyone would say anything about God, I wanted to know what they’d knew,  for I was seeking and wanting to understand more. I took the free bible from the Mormon and listened to what they had to say, but the Pentecostals captured my attention because of a friend who convinced me to go to church with her. I really liked the music and the fact that everyone was excited and filled with a zeal for God. The people would just dance around clapping and singing and I thought to myself, ” this is not boring it’s fun.” They were so friendly and welcoming. I was hooked until the confusion regarding the preaching set in. Here I am, a Catholic and Protestant by birth, being taught that we must only worship Jesus and that Catholicism and the worshipping of statues and saints was idol worship and that we were going to hell. For the first time in my life with no adult supervision I had chosen a faith of my own to belong to. I was dumbfounded because I never really saw myself as Catholic nor Protestant.  I just wanted to be a child of God. I was told that I was christened Protestant because I was born into sin given that my parents weren’t married but because back in those days whatever the man of the house was, so were his children, I went to Catholic school and was seen as a Catholic because that’s what my father was. I was never confirmed and I never took first communion, but my brothers did. I believe it was God way of telling me that I would some day make my own choice of  what faith I would belong to or that it didn’t matter.

I was never a true member of any churches. I’ve just been seeking a suitable church for me and I never felt like I belong. I was not brought up in the traditional Catholic way; I didn’t even know what a rosary was other than for protection and saints were just names given to churches. Somehow even going to Catholic school and taking religion courses, I’ve missed out a lot of important facts about the faith. I don’t blame my teachers, I just don’t remember. Same for being a faithful Pentecostal; I don’t remember ever being told that Pentecost came forty days after Jesus’ death and I was in the church faithfully for years. I’ve been through every religion you can think about and was even baptised into some of them as well. I was seeking God and His truth.  What I did find, a commonality among faiths, is that they all  believe that their way is the only right way of passage to God. They made me feel like they had a one way line connection to God that nobody else can access but themselves. But there was always something in my spirit that would not allow me stay. It would be just a matter of time that the teachings would push me out the door. I felt like Jesus when He said, ” Foxes have holes and birds have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lie down and rest”. I use this analogy simply to state as Jesus that, not one place can hold me, all territories is mine. Don’t get me wrong, I am only mentioning this one Pentecostal church I’ve been to, because it was the only place in my life I’d spent the longest amount of time, and I must say it taught me a lot, I’d even got the Holy ghost and spoke in tongues; ironic the catholic thinks that strange tongues means demonic possession, lol.

When I started to disagree with some of the main teachings that were being ministered at the Pentecostal church, I started looking elsewhere. Although their teachings were pushing me out the door, I didn’t want to go. How could something start out so good and have to end bad? It was then that I came across a spiritual retreat that I went on which was not affiliated with their church. This retreat really changed my life and caused me to find a real closeness with God. After going to the retreat, I came back with much knowledge, wisdom, and understanding that I wanted to share. To make a long story short, my presence in the Pentecostal church was not the same and I could feel it; not so much from the congregation, but from the Pastor. For when I brought back a message for him, his words to me, were ”I don’t take messages from man.” That Sunday night, much to my surprise the assistant pastor got a message from God for the church, and the Senior pastor that doesn’t take messages from man was jumping in the Holy ghost over the message. It was same message I brought to the Senior Pastor.  I hadn’t wanted to go back to church because I felt so embarrassed after speaking to the Pastor but faith would have it that I would be moved to attend night service just me alone without my family, for the first time, to witness this. I still would not leave my beautiful and wonderful church; all our friends were there, some we even considered family. But shortly after, I was rebuked out of the my church in the name of the Lord Jesus. One Sunday, the Senior Pastor stood up as I was walking in toward my seat and said, ”you must not believe everything you read in the Bible some of the things written in the Bible were letters and doesn’t pertain to us,” and he was mentioning something about the letter to the Roman Christians Paul wrote and my spirit lifted me to my feet my hand stretched out as a student to a teacher asking a question, all I could recall hearing is “I rebuke you in the name of Jesus” and everyone clapping. I don’t even think half of them knew what they were clapping and standing for, but his and my eyes met together as the tears rolled down my face. After that service, I knew it would be my last. I felt my body spinning as I went through the door and I tried to keep my composure so that no one would see what was happening to me, but something pulled me out through those door. You knew it was really bad when my two year old would say good morning to a grown adult member of the church, whom he would see everyday, but after I left, she passed him, a baby!, with her head high like she never saw him. My God my heart was so broken. I wanted to hurt her so bad. it is one thing to hate on me an adult but an innocent child too? You have to draw the line especially to call yourself a worshipper of God. And to this day I don’t even know what it is that I did that was so wrong. I wrote a letter to the Senior Pastor of the church about their behavior and what the Bible says about it, quote for quote. From that day, I had promised to never ever be a member of any church even again. I was then told that many members of the church saw what the Pastor had done to me and had left the church as a result and that it was going through hard times after the incident of rebuking me. Former members, even to the ones who were hating on me, became my friend again. I poured out my heart and soul in that letter even unto God for those people I had came to love and trust.

I guess I was completely unaware of my transformation after the retreat. All I could think about is the part in the movie the Ten commandment when Moses came down from the mountain after talking with God, and his hair and looks changed. Maybe my ex-pastor saw what others couldn’t have seen a light that was shining a little too bright. One day before all of the rebuke and hating took place, the mother of a member said to my step mother, ”is this your daughter? You better be careful for her, the Pastor doesn’t like her.” I thought to myself what a strange thing for a stranger to say about my Pastor. Oddly enough, there was another time that I was walking into church when a group of women stopped me and asked, ”what church do you really belong to because we would like to attend?” Trying hard not to be disrespectful I asked, ” what door did you see me enter into? why would you think I belonged somewhere else?” One of the women said, “you don’t look like you belong here.” I could only conclude that it may have been the way I was dressed that made them come to that conclusions. When I came back from my retreat I did dress differently to the way I used to. Many years after my retreat I still never wore pants or shorts. From always being a sexy dresser, I began to dress very conservatively. It was hard for me after years to wear clothes that exposed even just my knees; even now that I am back to dressing a little sexy I always that I am showing a little too much in certain outfits. When I say I was a sexy dresser, Singer Cher and Madonna had nothing on me beside being famous; my brothers were my bodyguard when I’d go clubbing lol.

This retreat has not only cost me my church family, but my blood family. Even when I was in the club scene with friends and family, I didn’t feel as much hate and resentment as I did for my closer walk with God. And the thing about it is, like when I  approached the Senior Pastor, everything that I learned I shared it with my family. I thought it would be something that would make them happy for me, instead I became Joseph and they became the brothers. Joseph brothers hated him because his father Jacob liked him very much and favored him by making him a beautiful coat of many colors, and if that wasn’t bad enough for them to hate him, Joseph told his brothers about two dreams he had of them bowing down to him. They had plot to kill him but instead sold him, and took his beautiful coat and dipped it into goats blood and told their father Jacob that he was killed by a wild animal and his father was devastated (Genesis 37). I’ve always believed that one aspect of this story of Joseph and his brothers was sibling rivalry taken to the extreme.

I know that it comes across as though I believe everyone is either jealous or envious of me, but that is what I went through with my blood family siblings growing up. I was considered the good child because I listened, never gave trouble and I respected and care about everyone. I wasn’t doing it because I wanted to show up my siblings by being better then them, there was no reward for being just me. If I did something wrong to disappoint my dad, it made my siblings happy. My father was the one to blame for this he’d always mention to my siblings why can’t they be more like me, and I hated it. I was never a fighter, I was always lover. Being overly sensitive to what people feel or think of me, turned me into a people pleaser and my family knows just how to get at me. One of my eldest sisters who was going through serious depression with two child got herself into trouble with drugs which, later on, took her life. Not one of them went to her aid or to see how the children were doing before she died. But when I came back from my retreat would you believe that they held a séance trying to rid me of the evil things the bishop supposedly had done to me? The only thing that I could see change about me was the way people I loved treated me. My sister who was sick was upset when I told her what they did to me. All she said is ”who are they to judge?” She would have told them to shove it. And that is saying it nicely for I cannot use the words she actually used. She was one of my biggest sibling rivalries; she love-hated me and somehow we both knew it. It got so bad that one day we even fought physically. I had, had enough of her degrading me and saying bad things about me to the point that strangers would say, ”that’s your sister, but if I was you I would have nothing to do with her, she hates you.” Even after our physical altercation, I didn’t care, I still loved her. I never wanted to fight the ones I love, not with the tears running from my eyes and my soul bleeding in side. This happened over twenty seven years ago and it still hurts real bad and it is only been nineteen years since she died. I know my sister died with all respect for me. We never ever had another confrontation again after our fight. She’d always looked after me her little sister and believe she could do and say whatever she wants about me, but I dare the person that would say and do anything to me without her making war over me. That’s just how she was; do as I say not as I do. I was the one who took in her children when no one else wanted to. What my siblings don’t  know about me is how much I’d wish I could have been strong like them. I suffered with a lot of fears and my kindness was not my weakness, it was my strength. I tried to not be myself and it didn’t work because I have a conscious and it wouldn’t let me be no other but me; God is my conscious. He pushed me to who I am called to be not what man wants of me. I had a step sister, that to me was my little sister. No one would have ever known that the blood inside of me wasn’t inside of her. And I loved her dearly, God knows, I would have done anything for her; I would have even given my soul. She was one of the people that held the séance for me with two other family members. I knew since I came back from the retreat that our relationship was different. I would be told things like, your sister seems to have a problem with you, be careful. I refused to believe it, no not my baby sister come on, not her too. She looked me in the eyes one day and told me not to call her mother my mom call her by her name and our relationship was done after we physically got into a fight; story of my life. I’ve tried to put it behind me and move o;, I’ve even try reaching out to her, but no response. It’s been almost fourteen years since I’ve seen or spoken to her or my step mother.

One night while on the retreat, I had a dream that I was crying for my family, ”Oh my Lord my family.” Someone lifted up my head and showed me all of these people I’ve never seen in my life and said, ”this is your family.” With tears running down my face and falling into his hands as he held my chin in his palm, he said, ”look”. It was people of all races, it looked like millions of them coming up to the mountain on which I knelt crying. I went on a retreat that shook the very foundation of the meaning of the word retreat. I say this because, it changed me and everybody around me. I remember calling the Bishop crying, ” what did you do to me,why does everyone hate me, what happened to me, how have I changed?” He said nothing and just sat in silence as I am bawling my head off, then he said, ” a prophet is not without honour, but in his own country, and among his own kin, and in his own house, so stop the crying.” And that was it. Then someone said to me, ”must Christ bare the cross alone and the whole world go free, if you’re in Christ Jesus pick up your cross and go with it.” Everything that I wanted to understand about humanity was happening all around me. Starting with the ones I loved, it was very painful. It was because of going to the retreat that I was able to find my sister and the children. You see, just like Joseph, I had a dream and I saw where and how to find them in that dream. Before she died I took her to see all my other sibling except one, she was at work that day, and a year after, she died. So who do you say I am?

I never thought that following God, or even been called can take such a toll in your life. Losing of family and friends over faith is so bad when believing in God should bring out the best in people and bring people together. I believe God had a purpose in all that He’s done in my life, and I have a very hard time with letting go especially of the things I care for and love. I have come to understand that these things became weaknesses for the devil to use against me so God had them let go of me. And for God’s purpose, sometimes certain connections have to be broken for protection, and God just wants our undivided attention. This understanding I’ve only acquired now, thanks to the to the ministering of Td Jakes at the Potter’s House.

I was ridicule, cursed, put down, asked “who do I think I am?” made fun of, called names, disrespected, laughed at, and disowned. I fell into great depression. I felt like I didn’t belong in this earth. I wanted to go home to my heavenly father where I’ve always felt safe and loved. I cried out to Him to just take me away for the weight was too much for me to bear. When I was overwhelmed with the rejection and pain my family and friends caused me, as though it wasn’t enough, even strangers and acquaintances who didn’t even know me personally joined in on the persecution of me for no apparent reason. I was in hell, the only way I could describe it, because I felt that the devil was on my heel. For this reason, I heard a whisper in my ears to write the Redemption prayer in which I ”pray for all my enemies, friends and families, even to my acquaintance and all those who wrongfully accuses me.” Psalms 56 was my prayer of strength through it all especially verses 8-9′ ”put thou my tears into thy bottle, are they not in thy book? when I cry unto thee, then shall mine enemies turn back.” I’ve spend days and nights in tears asking God, ”why me?” I was even accused of doing witchcraft, voodoo, all manner of evil to people. One day, I was so broken and as I cried I asked God if I was evil and just can’t see it, and in my defence I heard the voice of God saying to me , ”don’t let them get to you, because they, themselves tried to hurt and stop you from doing my will with their evil intent.” Scriptures declares in 1 Chonicle 16:22 ”Touch not mine anointed and do my prophets no harm.” King David had even said the same thing about Saul to Abishai when he had the chance to kill Saul. David said to Abishai, ”for who can stretch forth his hand against the Lord’s anointed, and be guiltless?”

One thing that I’ve learned from this is that God doesn’t give us favor to be proud and boastful over others. He give us favor so that our love, compassion, mercy and humility through Him can shine forth to others, that they may believe in Him, through us and our works. It is and will always be God’s will not ours. So it says in Luke 22:42 ”Not my will , but your will be done,” The Lord’s prayer, ”thy kingdom come , thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.” Deuteronomy 8:18 ”But thou shalt remember the Lord thy God, for it is He that give thee wealth.” Jeremiah 9:23-24 ”Thus says the Lord, ”Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom, neither let the mighty man glory in his riches. But let him that glory, glory in this, that he understand and know me, that I am the Lord which exercise loving kindness, judgement and righteousness, in the earth, for in these things I delight, says the Lord.”

I’ve spend my whole life wanting very much to be like Jesus, as I was taught in Sunday school, if I wanted to go to heaven. Boy did I ever want to go to heaven. I tried to follow the Ten commandments, read my Bible and pray every day. What I didn’t understand and was never taught is that following Jesus wasn’t going to be easy. I wanted to love, care and heal people like Jesus did. I didn’t think I would have also been crucified, metaphorically speaking, like He was. I believed that I was invincible to any evil attacks because of my faith; the blood, the crucifixion and the resurrection of Jesus. I was so misguide and confused about faith and people of faith and their teachings, that it was so important for me to go into deep spirituality, and oneness with God, not man and his interpretation of God, but the call to the Holy ghost to educate me. Because of all this hating and jealousy, a deep rooted fear has arose in me. I’ve stated one day to a man of God who’d asked me, ” whom do I fear, God or man?” With bold assurance I said,” man” God fist or weapons I can’t see, but man’s, they put the fear in me. Psalms 56:4 ”In God I will praise his word, in God I have put my trust, I will not fear what flesh can do unto me,” was the verse he gave me. From then on I’d found courage in always remembering what he’d told me and I had began my work. Many would gather and listen to all that I had to say about God and the visions I had been blessed with. I was able to preach and prophesize for quite some time but then, I walked away from my calling and have been suffering over it ever since; suffering more so than when I had been doing God’s bidding. When I say suffering, words cannot describe what I’ve been through and for many years and it has only been now I am finally coming out of the depths. I believe I suffered because of disobedience and allowing my greatest fears to prevent me from what God had called me to do.